I seriously don't get some people. The extent of their delusions are so amusing they're almost tragic. How can anyone, after not conversing with me for months, after just totally going MIA in my life, suddenly reappear and expect to be fully reinstated to their previous 'status' of relationship they had with me?

When I tell them very nicely that I don't think they are my friends.. They have such HUGE reactions - it's like I told them I am getting married or something. Did they seriously not expect it? Did they really think I'd welcome them back into my life with open arms when they came with nary an apology or any remorse?

A certain very deluded girl IMed me and she said something rather amusing. You be the judge and tell me if she's super.. stupid. Hah. (I've rephrased the sentence but kept it's orginal meaning for better clarity. She likez to type lyk dis laaaaaa. -.-")

"Well if you think that I don't care... even though we haven't been in contact for months and I haven't talked to you for ages then you're wrong. I still really really care for you in my heart."

Ok then. She cares for me, she just has serious problems with showing it. Hahaha.

That's being so pathetically deluded, it's appalling. I can't believe such people actually exist. I am not angry, by the way. Neither am I extremely mean or vindictive. I can forgive once I hear the 'sorry' come out of your lips. I mean.. I've fought with one of my best girlfriends, and we both said many hurtful things but once the apologies were said, it was as if nothing had happened at all. And that's how I work. I don't hold grudges for no reason. Neither do I harbour unforgiveness when someone apoligizes. I don't withhold apologies when I'm supposed to give them out. If you show me I'm wrong, or even for goodwill, I will apologise most freely and willingly. The last thing anyone should do is just shove it under the carpet and act as if nothing has happened. To top it all off, they actually believe we are still friends..!?!? Some people are... I have no words to describe my disdain for them. Hah.

I don't know about you, but to me friends stick by you. No 'if's not 'but's no 'I have a date with that good looking person so I can't meet you' bullshit. Friends definitely don't do disappearing acts from your life for months. I'm not talking about having to talk 24/7 - I hate clingy people like that actually. (Lemme digress a bit, but a sms every few days to check up and just chat is more than sufficient i.m.o.) But rather.. Hmmm how to put it. Well basically, they are there often enough to know what's happening in your life and are actually concerned about you. They might not be free all the time, but you know you're a priority on their List.. know what I mean?

I'm truly grateful for the amazing people in my life right now. There's the select few who I can talk to and cry to and cry somemore to cos' frankly, I'm far from over my dad's death. Thankfully there are those who truly understand the pain of losing a loved one and they shower me with more love and support, trying to make my life more normal. There are those I haven't spoken to for so long, and suddenly they appear with a piece of brownie (you know who you are and btw, I loved it (: Thanks! ) at your doorstep just to make you feel better. Now, that's what I'd call a friend. Can't tell you all how I really appreciate all the love. It means alot to me. X)


And to all those moronic, low life hypocrites out there.... Let's just say I believe in karma. You will get what you give - that's a biblical principle right there. So what you have sowed - your apathy, your hypocrisy, your 'care' - will most definitely be given back to you. If I were you.. let's just say I'll start to be more careful where I go cos it'll come and bite you in the ass.


Off to get beauty sleep. X)

I don't really know whats the protocol after a loved one dies. When is it time to stop mourning? When is it time to begin the painful process of moving on? It's as if I am still living in a bubble, and every so often, when I least expect it, the reality that my dad is dead hits me. Part of me wants to move on, but the other part feels like I havent mourned enough. In all honesty, I fear that I might somehow forget him. The small details like how he used to do his hair or drive me to school every morning. Few days back I was so upset.. Or rather fearful cos' I'd forgotten the exact phrase he used whenever he prayed for me before I'd go to sleep. That same fear gripped me when I couldn't find his smell. I fear I'll forget. Rather irrational, right? But somehow it's hard to conquer this fear, to tell myself NO I WILL NEVER FORGET. I struggle to remember exactly when we did what together. All the 'insignificant' outings when just two of us would take a spin in the car, the many supper trips we had eating Bak Kut Teh, and all those times we went to KL together.

Daddy never did bring us back to his hometown and his kampung. He always said he would someday, but he never did manage to get around to doing it. I wish he had, though. There are so many things about my father I still want and need to know. His history, how he was and how he became the person I loved and respected. From the naughty rebel that skipped classes all the time, to the genius marketing manager in KL, to that brilliant confident insurance agent who could close jawdropping deals. I remember the year he took us to US for a month - he'd closed a $50 000 commission case. Now thats a happening salesman I tell you.

You might think one week is very short, but I beg to differ. It's been the longest week of my life and everything still seems so surreal. I haven't gone out with my friends, and I don't know when I will really be able to step out of the house and enjoy myself with them. I'm a bit scared of leaving my mom alone at home with all those things that remind her of daddy. Will she be ok? I can't even begin to imagine the pain she must feel - I lost a father, she lost the love of her life. And even though she thinks I'm oblivious, I know she cries early in the morning and in the middle of the night. I see her walk pass the dining room and stop. Stop and admire the painting that my daddy chose from Australia, and I see her almost want to cry. Don't really know how and what I can do to help her but sometime's I don't think it's enough.

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You might wonder why I dare put my emotions out on the line on this extremely publicised blog. It's kinda funny, even when I think about it haha. I find it hard to talk to people and expressing all I feel properly. Know what I mean? When sometimes the words get stuck in your throat and nothing comes out. And you're semi afraid that whatever you say becomes unintelligible and the tears come out first.. It's different when I type. I get to control what I say, I get to sit on my bed and wait for the words to come. Another thing is probably cos' I told myself my blog will be a very honest, brutally so sometimes haha, account of how I feel. Whats the point of writing a blog when you're affected?

Just for the record, my sleeping time is totally screwed. I'm taking naps everyday and so I can't sleep at night. And tomorrow afternoon I'll be very tired again.

Jia Lat la!


And on to a totally different matter, I love spas. It's so relaxing and amazingly comfortable... I practically floated out of The Ultimate. It's this spa place at the penthouse of Shaw Centre. Not bad not bad, I think the massage was really good. Just the right amount of pressure exerted on all those knots on my back.. And man it was heavenly. Top it off with nuaing in the sauna and taking a nice shower, and really good pepper lunch (which was better than I thought) - it all made up a superb day. You know what to get me if you wanna treat me to something good. There's this spa place at Paragon, if you're wondering where to bring me. =D


I love spending time with the family, and this week has been rather surreal. Kor and Jie are always at home and even Kel is always around. It feels good to have family around. Makes you realize you're not alone and we'll always be there for each other. I'm a bit worried about next week though, when kor and jie start work again. Do I stay home with mommy all the time? 2 people alone in our house will make the house seem awfully quiet... The memories of daddy thick in the air.. Not exactly how I envision me spending the next 2 months. It's too draining, honestly. Just one week and I'm already totally worn out. But I'm sure we will pull through cos God is good and He will undertake. Funny how my whole world changes in the span of one week. Exactly one week ago I still held the belief that Daddy somehow would recover. Now he's 6 feet under at Choa Chu Kang. Not a nice way to put it, I know. But that's how it is, right? Read a friends blog, and I totally agree with her sentiments. The good thing about being a christian is that we have hope - we know death is not the end. And I will meet my daddy again. Someday I will. :)


Remember what I said about spaing ya'll. If you guys feel generous.. don't buy me chocolates. Pool money together and treat me for a Spa session. It will be greatly appreciated and you'll have a relatively happy Sarah Ling. Nights!

Daddy dear,

You have no idea how much I miss you. We went to Crystal Jade in TM today and for some strange reason I nearly cried while we were sitting there. Cos I remember the last time you took me there when it was just the both of us and I asked you not to order veggies cos' I hated them and you didn't. And you even said "Don't tell mommy ok."

Daddy I miss you so much. And sometimes I don't know what to do and sometimes I just can't believe you are never going to talk to me again, or hug me again. Call me morbid papa, but when you were in your casket I really really wanted to hug you. And I so wished you could talk to me. Mommy is thinking of giving away your clothes soon, but I really really don't want to. It may sound weird but I've been smelling all your clothes trying to find that scent you had. Do you know I was so upset when Mommy threw all those pillows you used in the washing machine... I can't seem to find your smell anymore. And I feel so guilty for going out so much the last week you alive... I know you wanted me to stay at home during Valentines Day but I went out anyway. Daddy I'm so sorry.. If I'd known I'd have traded all my outings just to spend a few more hours talking to you. I'm so sorry I spent so much time on the computer instead of talking to you... Daddy I miss you so much...

Daddy remember when I always snuggled with you in bed and you'd tell me a story of when you were young and how you courted mommy. How you said "thats the woman for me" when you first saw her at the beauty pageant and you guys got married less than a year later? Remember how you always called me your precious sweetheart and your xin gan bao bei in cantonese? I will always be your xin gan daddy. You are the only person besides mommy who's loved me forever. From the moment I was in mommy's womb you loved me, till the last time I heard you spoke, you loved me so much. Daddy did you know I loved you alot too? Everytime I said it I meant it.

Papa, who is going to be the one who scares the living daylights of the first boyfriend I bring home? I remember how you told Kel when he first came home ,"you break her heart, I'll break your legs." Haha.. I thought it was so cool of you to say that and I think it really worked on him lol. He looked so terrified when he heard that.. Now he's going to be my brother in law soon. Jiejie says she wants to get married in November. I'm trying to convince her to do it on your birthday. Daddy who will walk me down the aisle? Or spoil my kids when I bring them over? Daddy you didn't even get to see me go to university.

Daddy I know you're happy now, and I bet you're having really lengthy discussions with Job and David.. and probably Paul too. You thought those guys were really cool men in the bible. But Daddy I really miss you so much it hurts. I find it so hard to move on, to even think of moving on seems painful. It's like doing injustice, if I move on so easily. I don't know why, but it's almost as if a part of me died with you. The days just go on, and I feel such a sense of sorrow when I look at the door and know you're not coming home anymore. I wish I could think you're on a long holiday, but when it hits me that I'll never see you on this earth again, daddy I just can't help but cry because daddy we were supposed to do so many things together. We were supposed to go travelling together, remember? You were supposed to teach me how to drive...

Daddy, I'll love you always and forever. Don't forget me ok. And I'll see you again someday. I love you papa.


Mei Mei

Update update. Not because I can't tear myself away from the computer, but I want to remember my feelings so that when I look back 30 years from now, I won't forget. Changes don't need to take years to happen, they can happen within the span of hours, even minutes. Where your mindset changes, your perception of someone changes, and everything you know in your world suddenly falls, and then rebuilds itself afresh. Sounds confusing? I'll try to expound. There are a million things on my mind and I really want to get it out so this will be a bit messy.

First of all, I just wanna say a humongous Thank You to all those who have poured love and concern over my life these past couple of days. From those who have been there from the moment my dad passed away (Jo I know you will never read this but you have no idea how much respect and love I have for you now), to those who just drop a simple sms, and those who bring normalcy into my life amidst the drama. You know, there are different friends for different purposes. There are the 'Wilbur's of my life - with one glance they can make me laugh and for a moment, I feel like I can be happy again. They are reminders of who I was, and who I will become again.

(Ok just to digress here, some people must be wondering how I can laugh and joke during my dad's wake. They see me giggling like crazy and probably think I've no respect or I'm trying to put up a brave front. The truth is, it is VERY TIRING to be constantly sad. I find no point in that. There is solace in releasing my tears and fears. But there comes a time when the tears run dry, and I need some laughter. It is after all the best medicine.)

Then there are the 'WeiZhong's, those who have no words of comfort to say, but they are the people who will listen. I can vent, cry, totally chui in front of them and they are there, reassuring me that while life is shit, God is good.

And last but not least, there are the 'Jo's in my life. Those who sacrifice their time willingly to come night after night. To just help out. Even though we are not related, they act like family. Or rather, there is only one Jo. No one can emulate the amazing love she has for my family. When my sis told her my dad was slipping away, she immediately rushed down from her house at 4am (she has 1 baby boy at home, mind you) just to give her support in our moment of weakness. When we were too frail to stand our own, she gave a hug, lent her shoulder and was always there. And she's not even family. But throughout the last few days, she has been with my family almost 24/7 (barring nights when she goes home to sleep). And when she's not physically with us at the wake, she is doing everything she can to make life more comfortable and letting us know that she cares and she is there. Take today for example, she secretly took keys to my house from us w/o my mom's knowledge and cleaned the entire house while we were at Singapore Casket. She had 4 of her members with her, and they actually spent 5 hours cleaning my WHOLE ENTIRE HOUSE. She is the last person who should be acting like a maid you know. Yet, she willingly spends 5 hours scrubbing my house, wiping the tables, cleaning the floor... Now that's a woman of excellence I tell you. She really exemplifies what excellence and love is; but more than that, she shows the character of a true Christian.

Which brings me to my next point, (and this is pretty big news to me) I'VE FINALLY COME HOME.. spiritually that is. I've finally decided that God is good, the devil is bad, and running from Jesus is really stupid. Lol. But seriously, running from him was never a wise choice. I knew it yet I had to be rebellious. I'm just thankful that He is faithful when I was faithless and His love never fails. Some of you might be asking me why I make such a decision, especially now that he failed to show his power and heal my dad.

I guess, it has to do with how I've been feeling after my dad's passing. I thought I'd feel a sense of utter despair and loss. I thought I'd crumble, but surprisingly I didn't. Took me awhile (ya la I'm not too bright but I blame my lack of sleep) but I realized it was cos Jesus was sustaining me all along. It's not that I'm not sad or devastated - I am. My daddy will be missed so bad it hurts. BUT, and thank God for the good 'but's, there is a strange sense of peace and (dare I use the word?) joy within me that I know can only come from Him. It's either I'm crazy, or God is real to me. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm not hallucinating or dreaming this emotions up. He has been there to reassure me in my heart that daddy is now with Him, and my family is going to be ok.

Although my mom has been devastated by it, I somehow find strength to comfort her and be there for her. It's not easy, trust me. Sometimes I feel so drained and tired (Since Thursday till now, I've only slept about.. 15 hours tops. I've reached new levels of tiredness I didn't even know existed. I mean. I drink 4 cups of kopi gao gao everyday la. That's how zonked I am already.) but yet I can find more strength that appears out of nowhere to comfort her and tell her that everything will be alright. My cup never runs dry.

But I have to say this, which brings me to my next point, although I love God once again, I am not particularly fond of all his PR people. There have been some 'christians' who have been DRIVING ME UP THE WALL.

So I came up with this theory. The world is all about balance, right? In math, every negative has a positive. And I truly believe this applies to people and the real world. So for every amazing person that comes into my life and comforts me (ie. JO), there will be one that has to come along to test my patience and drive me insane by being totally insensitive and EVIL (ie. A.A and a certain female friend of his).

Don't want to delve into too much details but all I want to say is this. To Mr A.A and Ms CYL,

your actions just prove what hypocrites you are. Especially you, Ms CYL. You used to be a cgl, for goodness sake. And maybe I can overlook the pure stupidity of Mr A.A because of his age, but you are 27 for goodness' sake. How dare you come to my dad's wake after not talking to me for months, not even asking me once about my dad's condition when he was alive - HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE. Don't give me your hypocritical pious face and tell me you want to pay respect to my Dad. I'm sorry to sound so crude, but you don't deserve to face me. You are not facing him, he is already in heaven. In case you don't know. People attend wakes to bring comfort to the family. You did nothing of that sort. Maybe you do it so you won't have to feel guilty at night when you think of how you acted by your lack of action. Don't think you can disappear from my life when I needed you, and now reappear like nothing has happened. And when I tell you I don't want to see you there, HOW DARE YOU imply I have an attitude problem and that I have no right to ask you to leave. Don't give me that snotty face of yours and tell me "We are here just to pay respect to your dad." I might have accepted that if you showed through your actions, but NO YOU AND YOUR POSSE OF MORONS DID NOTHING (a certain TP girl I know excluded in case she's reading this). You just sat among yourselves and ATE PEANUTS. And I say the next line not because I want or need your money, trust me we have more than enough cos other people are generous, but ONE BIG GROUP OF YOU AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ANY BAI JING. Please la, bai jing is not a christian thing lor. It is out of respect for the deceased and concern for the family. Something you obviously don't have. Disgusting. I've seen your true colours, Ms CYL. You are a hypocrite and you disgrace the name of CHC cellgroup leaders.


Jesus grant me the grace to forgive.


Anyway, this is pretty much all I have to say. A big thank you once again to all who have showed concern for me. It means alot to me and my family - your generosity and love will be remembered. I will keep all the letters, all the smses, all your hugs and phone calls will be remembered by me. The words have been said a million times by you guys, and its time for me to reciprocate: I love you all.

My dad passed away early yesterday morning in CGH.

I didn't expect him to go so soon... And now the grief I bear is overwhelming me. I am no longer angry or angsty.. I just feel hollow. And really really really sad. The grief comes in spasms, and as I walk around the house, I remember every little thing about him.

When I walk into the kitchen, I remember how he used to whip up a storm in the kitchen. I always came home from school in the evenings to the smell of awesome dinner. Then I go into the living room and I see him lying on that recliner chair once again, when he was too sick to even walk and I'd help him rub his feet. I see him on the three seater reading his newspaper on Saturday mornings, and watching some movie with me. He loved the Godfather. All my good taste in music and fashion and movies... I'm pretty sure all came from him. I see him in my room, tucking me into bed and kissing me goodnight... or just lazing on my bed talking about how our day went. He used to sing to me when I was a little girl.. "If I were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on The Roof. Then I walk to the dining room and I see the whole family having dinner there. It was our 'battleground'. Whenever we quarrelled about why I always reached home late, or why my grades were like shit, we'd sit at the dining room table to talk. And I remember how every quarrel ended with me on his lap receiving forgiveness and a hug from him.

He always told me that he hated the sin, but loved the sinner - unconditionally. All my life, I've never questioned my Daddy's love for me. He gave it willingly and unconditionally. Even during those times I was SO angry with him for whatever he did, I have never once questioned how much he loved me. As I walk through the house, I see glimpses of him and then.. he's gone. And the pain hits again. When I realize that I will never talk to him anymore, or that he will never drive me to school in the morning or buy me breakfast... My heart hurts.

He was always so suave, you know? Everytime there were people around he's somehow manage to be the centre of attention cos people loved to hear him talk. He was an awesome awesome dad. He would have been an amazing amazing grandpa.

I have to contribute to the eulogy my brother is giving during the wake, and I'm supposed to talk about one specific thing I remember about my Daddy.

It's hard to pick out just one thing. As I sit in front of that blank piece of paper trying to find the words, there's nothing. I don't know where to begin. Words won't do him justice. So I just sit there and stare. And the tears just flow.

Daddy I miss you so much....

Oh the joys of Valentine's Day... It's seriously overrated if you ask me. You don't have to wait for anniversaries/Valentine's day to celebrate your love. If you do, it makes it quite pathetic, doesn't it? Especially on Valentine's day. Flowers are insanely expensive and there's just a general sense that everything is so insincere..! Speaking of flowers, I never did get why us girls are supposed to love flowers. I do like them, but carrying them is plain bothersome! Cos' when you think of it, you can't just hold them like you would a bag. You have to hold them upright, and you can't swing them around.. So mah fan! I'd rather get chocolates. Or something I can use lol.

Went out with the usual gang today and it was FUN! Did our usual photo whoring and for the first time in a looonnggg while, I'm going to post the pictures up for your viewing pleasure. =D Speaking of photos.. Has anyone watched the MySpace Movie? Go to youtube.com and search for it. It's so friggin hilarious la!!! Especially the part about the Yetti lol. Now I finally know why some people use The Angles. ROFL. I for one, am not an angle user (TAKE THAT Nigel! haha). So w/o further ado.. The photowhoring session! All photos courtesy of Xiu Ling's digicam. =D

I arrived a teeny weeny (ok maybe a bit bigger than teeny weeny lol!) bit late but I still couldnt beat the LATE QUEEN, Leng Li Xian. She is the ultimate queen of lateness. If you want to meet her at 3, tell her 2. She'll arrive at 3.15.

-.-""




Derek and I waiting at Somerset MRT. Ms Leng FINALLY reached and we proceeded to take NeoPrints. Ok about the Neoprint thing, I actually enjoy sticking my head in a booth and taking lotsa wacky photos! Thanks to hanging around Xiu Ling too much I guess. Hahaha. But it's really quite fun when done in moderation. =D



This is only one of the pictures we took cos' we used a new machine and well.. THE MACHINE IS CONFUSING LA! Lol! Flash when it's not supposed to.. Oh wells.



This one is when we crashed SA. This was fun. =D


So after that unsuccessful NeoPrint taking session, we decided to save $$ and take photos in the booth with Xiu Ling's cam. And the photos turned out nicer than that silly neoprint la! Hahaha







God knows why Derek looks so grumpy in this one. Hahaha







Group Photo!




After all the NeoPrint taking, we headed to TCC where we just took pictures.. and left. SO LAO KUI LA! Hahahaha. But it was funny lol.







Xiu Ling trying to be artistic. Keyword:trying.




We then headed to the cafe on the top floor of Cine where we sat and talked rubbish. Ah it's superb to just sit with friends and talk. No hassle or fuss of having to always do something exciting, there is comfort in the normalcy of just simply hanging out. Xiu Ling and I then proceeded to photo whore, quite successfully might I add. =D Hahahaha.


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#10 Those are the shoes Li Xian MADE FOR ME! Very nice. XD




Ok. These are photos I can't really explain cos God knows what Xiu Ling was thinking when she took them lol. Enjoy anyways. =D





























Thats tomato sauce on the pasta cream sauce hahaha













Derek and I!








Derek and Xian!








Finally.. Last and most importantly.. the girlfriends!! We stick like glue. X)






A picture speaks a thousand words... How many have I spoken today?

So the results came out on Friday and all of us girls were so friggin nervous. Mr Loh went on and on about how well our school did blahblah.. Anyway to cut to the chase I got back my results and to be honest? I was kinda disappointed. (<- being a rather big understatement) Yes I got my fair share of distinctions.. But somehow those beautiful AONEs seemed to elude me.

Basket....

Oh wells, it doesn't affect where I want to go. (ie. TP Mass Comm.!) So I'll learn to mug more next time.

As everyone has been in a 'frenzy' since the release of the results - choosing schools, courses and all -, I can't help but think of my future and what I want to do after Poly and where I want to go. I know all the planning/thinking I do now might come to naught (just look at how I suddenly decided to go Poly haha) but still, I want to have a plan. And a backup plan.. And a backup plan for the backup plan. Lol. It's just me - I am someone who needs to know where I'm going and what I'll be doing 5 years from now. I need to have a.. 'schedule' if you will. That's probably something I got from growing up in church, but I've learnt that writing your goals down mean something.

I've spent the last few days happily browsing Universities around the world that have good Comm Studies courses and I'm glad to say I've actually found a few. I've found one that has caught my eye... And I've actually been dreaming about it the past few nights lol. I know it's too early to tell, but man I just love Cornell! The campus looks so amazing just looking at those pictures made me drool. And it's really prestigious and it's very near NYC (OMG FASHION CAPITAL!!!). The course fees will kill me, but still. That's, for now, MY DREAM SCHOOL. I've even checked out their entry requirements and everything else that needs to be checked. Thats how enthu I am la! Haha. The campus is really.. divine. And it's Cornell. Cornell. Need I say more?!?

Ok. Have to sleep now cos' I'm starting work tomorrow. Yippee! Work = money = NEW CLOTHES NEW IPOD NEW SHOES!!!! The thought of owning an iPod Video is.. woooh let's just say I'm not having Monday Blues. ($.$) Oh happy happy joy.

The fear I've tried to overcome and numb has somehow gotten.. stronger? Yes, that's the word. Scheming, conniving.. it sneakily climbed back into my life and hit me like another big yellow school bus right in the face.

I fear not being there if my dad dies. Everytime he sleeps now, I fear it'd be his last. Rather irrational, but is it really? I don't wish to feed my fear, but the knot in my stomach tightens everytime I see him breathing very lightly. There are moments as I walk pass his chair in the living room that I've had to double take and check to see if his chest is moving before I reassure myself, he is still alive. Just last week I was praying so hard he'd be able to sleep cos he couldn't sleep much cos the pain was too unbearable.. and the last few days he's been sleeping way too much. And while part of me wants to go out all day and run from the madness, part of me is deathly afraid to not be there if he goes... Now everytime I'm out and a call from Home comes, my heart skips a beat.


Oh wells. I'll learn how to deal.



Today was pretty superb, i.m.o. Met up with LiXian, Derek, and the beloved Xiu Ling to crash SAJC. I actually woke up at 5.55 to meet them at 6.45. AND I WASN'T LATE! Hahaha. It was more of hanging out of them, and being in our school uniform for the second last time that appealed to me, as compared to crashing SA (which btw, had no cute guys. Nada, nyet, zilch. So disappointing! Maybe I was too stoned/sleepy to notice any. But I saw lotsa geeks! Kinda ironic for a school infamous for having students that play like crazy... Maybe looks are very deceiving. Ha). The school itself was huge, when joined to SAS and the whole Village thing was kinda corny to me... But spending time with them in that lousy Chem lecture (is it just me or did we learn all that boring teacher was going on n on about before? Hmmm) was very fun! Not fun in the "ooo lecture was so interesting way", but rather the fact that all 4 of us was stoning in the LT passing notes. Lol! Guess it's true that the more things change, the more they stay the same. JC life turned out to be exactly like what I'd envisioned - a vsn 2.0 of Secondary School Life, only this time the monsters are fiercer and the battles are harder to win. I am now more certain than ever I want to go to Poly. Waking up at 6 every morning is not my cuppa tea... Haha! It'd definitely be the last time I ever get to do that with my friends. And I will miss it - stoning in lessons, complaining about how boring the silly lecture was.. Or even complaining about how awful our uniform looks.

Friday will be the last time I ever wear my uniform... Makes me feel weird! To be honest, it was somewhat comforting to don that white uniform with all those seven big silver buttons (I actually forgot which side to put my school tag on this morning HAHA!) once more. Maybe I'm just trying to ignore the fact that things will drastically change in the next couple of months. We will no longer be able to sit together and talk rubbish during lessons...

I know for a fact I'm not letting my girls go. Especially the dearest Ms Lim. After last year's big fight I was certain we'd never be friends again. But today.. seeing her and being able to talk to her properly was so comforting. It makes me more certain that some things don't change in life. Like how girlfriends are more or less stuck with you - period. There's no escaping them. Once a bond has been formed.. It's hard to run cos we stick like glue. Haha. But I digress. I will not miss the people, becos' I know I will make an effort to keep in contact. I will, however, miss all the times we spent together as classmates. Admittedly, the memories I've had with them as classmates have been a blast and are times I'll never forget.



I'm waiting for Friday. The day of wreckoning draws near.....

Oh the joys of FASHION WEEK! The moments I browse through my fashion bible are the moments I am most happy. I can indulge in my envy and lust for those beautiful designs I'll never get my hands on.

Well, never say never. =p


Fashion is an expression of who you are. What you think. More than just clothes on your back, they represent you. That's why it's so important. It's art. It's one type of art I will never get sick of. Not because of the beautiful models, but because of the brilliant designs made by those talented designers. Using different textiles, bringing old trends back to life. I LOVE IT!

I'm loving the collections so far.. Esp. LUELLA'S LINE!!! Lol. Fabulous dahhhling, fabulous!

It's been a bad day at home. Daddy's pain seems to have gotten worse but there's nothing that can be done. The painkillers have been injected, but nothing seems to be working. I'm at the end of myself.. And if the Godupthere doesn't do something quick, my daddy's going to die soon.

Call me morbid, but I've been thinking about how my daddy will die. I am so accustomed to the pain, I don't feel anything anymore. There are the occasional spasms of pain that hit real hard... But other than that, I am just numb. Not that I'm complaining. The casket.. the funeral.. I've thought about everything - except how I will feel. Will my dad die at home? Or at the hospital? Will he be in a coma? Will it be an unexpected attack? Will his small intestine burst and that be the end of it? I don't mean to be morbid but.. I want to be prepared. Know what I mean? If I'm mentally prepared.. if I've got a rough idea of how it'd be like.. I won't be so taken aback if.. when.. it happens.

I might sound evil for saying this.. but sometimes... Sometimes.. it's like my daddy's no longer there. The pain takes total control of him and it's like he's not him anymore. I cannot imagine what it's like even though I see him go through it everyday. To be bed ridden, too weak to even walk 20 steps. To see the same piece of ceiling, to never go out. To stare at a dustbin most times of the day cos you're so busy vomitting things that godknowscamefromwhere. I think I'd go insane.

But my daddy is strong. He has persevered, and except when the pain grips him.. There are moments I see glimpses of the man he once was. Smart, eloquent, the person I could go to when I was scared or I just needed a hug. The moments don't come very often... but when they do, I treasure it so so much. There's a minute hope within me that things could go back to the way they were. When he used to catch the lizards and cockroaches for me.. and use them to scare the hell out of me. Lol. My daddy used to do the most amusing things. Like how he used to put money in the back of my handphone when he knew I was broke. Or offering to pick me up from school cos he knew I was so damn lazy to walk out of school to the bus stop. Or making me breakfast in the morning... I remember how he was so pleased when I told him I'd written one of the best essays in the level during Sec 3 and how he'd ask me to sing all those oldies for him. I remember that time we danced to that silly toy story song You've Got a Friend In Me in my room when I was taking a break during all the madness of studying...

But now those memories are all I have of my daddy. And the days go on and on.

Over the last 3 days I've...

- took two flights in one day
- confirmed myself seats to the delicious Mr A-Z's concert (YAYY!!)
- saw Delirious, one of the most awesome christian bands on the planet, play LIVE

and isn't all that enough? Haha.

If you haven't already figured out, music plays a mega role in my life. Listening to Delirious? play a set in chc today was.. awesome, to say the least. Christian or not, I have to admit that they sound amazing live. The guitarist is so friggin' cool...!! And to even begin describing Martin Smith... there are no words to express what an amazing vocalist he is. The way the band just flows... They had to do a couple of impromptu songs and it was so smooth.. All I can say is WOW. Masters of their craft, I give them two thumbs up. Especially their last song, called Solid Rock or something like that. WOAH!!! Reminded me of John Mayer Trio (which fyi is John Mayer at his BEST.) cos' it was so bluesey yet... well, like I said, I'm kinda speechless hahaha.

Speaking of music, I AM GOING TO JASON MRAZ'S CONCERT!!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR 17 MARCH!!! JASON MRAZ JASON MRAZ!!! YAAYYYY!!! Lol. I'm trying to stifle my excitement BUT I CAN'T!!!! I'M GOING TO SEE HIM IN THE FLESH! IN THE FLESH!!!! HE'LL BE IN FRONT OF ME!! PLAYING HIS AWESOME GUITAR!!! I CANNOT STOP TYPING IN CAPS!!! Hahahahahaha. Yes, I am very very pleased I'm going. I hope I can somehow get his autograph.......


Another major thing in my life is FASHION. I adore browsing through fashion blogs, going through style.com (my ultimate fashion bible) and gushing at the pretty clothes I currently (emphasis on the currently cos' I know it's just a temporary thing) am unable to buy. Fall/Winter Runway Collections have already started in NYC and I'm just waiting for style.com to post it up..!!!! Exciting exciting. =D Plus, I have already chosen a million things I want to buy from Luella's Target line. DOES ANYONE WANT TO SPONSOR MY SHIPPING??? =D


So I'm pretty sure you've figured out This is yet another filler post, and I'll try to blog properly soon but right now, it's time for me to catch some shut eye.... Or watch my newly downloaded episode of Veronica Mars hahaha.

A million things running through my head, and yet for some strange reason you still appear out of no where.

I loved who you were. Now I hate what you've become.


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It's been a long week and man there's been a lot going on. Dramarama has reigned in the Ling household these past few days, and the wise siblings escaped from the house. I unfortunately, was stuck at home to face the drama and noise. Thankfully it's over cos the drama queen *ahem* has left the building.. or more specifically the Ling household. Won't go into the details, but I just want to say that just because you're grieving, it doesn't give you the right to expect to be served and taken care of and pampered by everybody. Especially when everybody else is grieving too. We all have our own ways of grieving, but we don't go psycho bitch on others.

And since we're on the issue of grieving... Can I just state for the record I don't like to be asked "How are you?" because honestly, are you willing to listen? The one thing I really dislike answering is the most popular question this CNY. "How is your dad?"

What can I say? That he's getting better? That he's ok? And btw, "Ok" means that he sits in a chair all day, drinking liquids and feeling minor discomfort. There are no good days. There are no Ok days. The days are just bad or worse. So when I go "Oh.. not so good..", please take it as a sign that I WANT YOU TO STOP ASKING. Because if you continue probing, I'll just say "The prognosis is that he's going to die soon."

I have said that, btw. And received a couple of shocked stares and a few awkward pauses for doing so. So bloody irritating la..! What do you want me to do? Make my grief audible? If I sound detached - it doesn't mean that I am apathetic.



The CNY holidays didn't go as well as I planned. On the contrary I was rather miserable (thus this extremely grumpus post). And I'm missing Amanda already......


More when the cumulus nimbus decides to stop hovering above my head.