I still miss him very much, she said softly.

We were halfway through our dinner (eating absolutely delish curry crabs) and my brother had left the table to take a shower. It all started with me telling her the crabs tasted fab and how much I loved her cooking. She made one of those non commital noises about how it was nothing.

Suddenly she looked nostalgic.

I think about him every day, she says. Last week I met an old friend for lunch and she told me how she, like me, watched her husband die from cancer. One thing she said struck me - she told me she is in a sense relieved and thankful to God that He didn't make her husband suffer for so long. She said she wouldn't have been able to handle taking care of him for so long.

But I'm not like that, she continues. I mean... I don't blame God for taking him and I know it was good in a way - so he wouldn't have to suffer so much. But I would be willing to go through anything just to have him by my side. I would take care of him, no matter how sick he was.

He wouldn't have wanted that though, she muses. He would never have wanted to be a burden to me like that. I miss him so much, though.

It was almost as if she was talking to herself, at this point. I concentrated on getting all the flesh out of the small nooks and crannies from the crab's shell, willing the tears to not fall.

"Do you still think about him?" She asks.

Everyday, I tell her. Every single day I still think about him, and not a day goes by when I don't wistfully reminisce old times.

I am so proud of you for being so strong, I say. Do you know that I admire your courage and how you've managed to pick yourself up so much?

Her eyebrows raise slightly.

"It's true. And mommy, while I don't count ourselves fortunate, we have what other people don't have. We have been tried and tested in fire, and we're still here. I can think of a million people who wouldn't have been able to deal with such a loss as well as we have. And I know my God doesn't short change. He will make up for what we, what you, have lost. Plus, we'll get to see him some day. There will be restoration."


-------


It's been said that the most stressful event in a person's life would be the death of a spouse. Some simply stop living, as if they've died along with their soulmates. No one ever fully recovers from the loss and the grief.

There was a period early this year when I thought she'd never get better - that she had lost all meaning and purpose in life. But she has slowly and surely gotten better. As the weeks and months have passed, I see her slowly recovering from the aftershock and living again. The spark is coming back in her eye, and now she can finally smile like she means it.

It takes substance, to move on and not forget. Move on from the pain, and remember the person. It takes more substance in a woman, to not waver in the belief of a God that chose to let her watch her husband slowly die. Her conviction that God is real, and more importantly God is good, speak volumes about her faith.

I don't think I would have been able to do it.

I am very much my mother's daughter. While I used to pride myself in being a Daddy's girl (I still am, by the way), I now see my mother's strength. She might not be as eloquent and charismatic as my father was, or be able to draw people to her like Daddy did, but her determination and unwavering conviction in God despite everything make me want to be like her.

And people think I'm strong. Pffft.

They should take a look at my mom.

It's dreadfully worrying to see myself so unworried.

Help.

If you don't bother clicking on any of my links...

you probably wouldn't have known I wrote this. So just for you, yes you out there, and for me because this is my blog and I do whatever I want here. (:



The (Overdue) Inaugural.

"Shut up - I'm your person."

------

Today is the 117th day. I've known Ms. Seet for 117 days. It's practically nothing, compared to the 17 years I've been living on this planet, the thousands of hours that go by every year, or even eternity for that matter.

It is however, more than enough (as I've found out) time to know someone. How do you know someone? Are there any definitions or boundaries or benchmarks to cross before you can officially say "I know so-and-so"? You can know the person's favourite food, or favourite colour but never really know who she really is.

I don't really know Siew's favourite food, or colour, but I can say that I know quite alot, I've liked the 'alot' I know, and I definitely want to know more. (That's alot of 'know's in one sentence, innit? lol) She's adorable, short tongued and all. The little random things she does, like scrunching up her face, or trying to open her mouth as wide as possible (opened to its max and I still think it won't fit a fishball. rofl) to prove that she doesn't have an impossibly small mouth (and even smaller tongue), or being TOTALLY RANDOM just to get to the top of my 'Most Random Friend' list makes her such a doll. A really weird, adorable doll. ;p

I know she loves to whine, especially when she's late or sleepy; and she's ALWAYS late. Her whining sucks, by the way. She can spend a whole week eating the same curry chicken from the same canteen and not get bored of it. She can also mistake a lizard for a toy, and calmly tell me "Eh, a lizard just jumped from my hand to my bag." and remain calm while I hyperventilate.

She's the first person I've found who knows more indie music than me, that loves to watch small girls cut off paedophiles' balls, and proudly calls her a nutcased paedophiliac whose role model is MJ. She is as excited as me about reading a freakishly looong Russian novel (War and Peace) and being a total nerd.

I know she has depth. Most people can't take my verbal abuse (something I lavishly pour down on her) and she, being so entirely special and immune to criticism (trust me, that's a good thing), knows that we are still kakis. She lets me be vulnerable, without being too pushy. She embraces me, flaws and all.

Best of all, she understands. Really and truly understands. My shortcomings, my temperament, my character and she doesn't care. She just gives me life threatening hugs.

I've never believed in soulmates. Not until I met Siew, anyway. But here's to you, my soulmate, for being such a fabulous friend and making my world a gazilliontrilliongoshtillion times better. It's been a rocking 117 days, and I look forward to the next 972840731 days to come.

Happy Birthday darls. (:

Sarah

You royally screw up, and then you do damage control. You try to make ammends, clean up the mess made, hope that the storm (you created) passes and things resume normalcy. If you're lucky, they do. If you're not - you are left with nothing, except a few failed contingency plans and the aftershock of severe trauma. That just sucks, doesn't it?

Anyway. In my attempts to make up for last week's (lack of) blogging, here are some utterly nonsensical Memes (real ones this time, Nigel) that I just love doing. Woohoo. (:


1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.NO CHEATING!

How are you feeling today?
Jamie Cullum - Twenty-Something (I did sleep in today)
Will you get far in life?
Anna Nalick - Citadel (??)
How do your friends see you?
Nat King Cole - Smile
Will you get married?
Travis - How Many Hearts
What is your best friend's theme song?
Veggie Tales - Do The Moo Shoo (roflmao)
What is the story of your life?
American Tale - Somewhere Out There
What was high school like?
Gwen Stefani - Rich Girl
How can you get ahead in life?
The Wonders - I Need You (That Thing You Do)
What is the best thing about your friends?
Keane - The Iron Sea (what?!)
What is in store for this weekend?
Lauryn Hill - I Gotta Find Peace Of Mind
What song describes you?
Incubus - Talk Show On Mute
To describe your grandparents?
John Travolta/Olivia Newton-John - You're The One That I Want (Grease)
How is your life going?
Fall Out Boy - Dead on Arrival
What song will they play at your funeral?
Diana Krall - Stop This World
How does the world see you?
P!atD - But if it's Better if You do
Will you have a happy life?
Jars of Clay - Faith Like a Child
What do your friends really think of you?
P!atD - Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off (WHAT!?)
Do people secretly lust after you?
Nelly Furtado - PROMISCUOUS. roflmao
What should you do with your life?
Jason Mraz - Childlike Wildlife
Will you ever have children?
The A.A.R - Dance Inside

tagging 10 people
anyone. (:

Dinner with Bernard (my boss), is always great. The food doesn't really matter, but the conversation and bonding is simply brilliant.

There are always people you meet in life that you just know how to click with. It's like fastening a belt buckle - and automatically there is ease in the air. NO awkward silences, no rummaging in your brain for questions to ask, just pure conversation where two people unabashedly talk, laugh and even cry.

I'm scary and damaged, I tell him. I then go on to tell him of all the things I've gone through, the hearts I've broken, my broken heart, and everything in between. He listens, understands, and he does have the ability to speak in my life.

What if he was the one, I ask. What if he was The One and I royally screwed it up? I tell him about Pastor Phil's prophecy on my life (the one that happened a long long time ago, when I was a young impressionable girl of 11) and my fear that he was the one.

You were largely at fault, he says. You were the one who left, who hurt him - can you imagine what he felt when you were so mean? The only thing he did was be nice and love you.

But I'm scary and damaged, remember? I just wanted him to wait for a couple of week, I try to defend myself. He couldn't even wait just two weeks? You know how I am - I don't show my scary and damaged to everyone. I needed him to be able to take my scary and damaged.

Cutting me off, he said:"But still. People get tired. He most probably got tired. And I'm sure that you feel it now. The guilt and pain. It hits you once in a while, especially when you're alone, doesn't it?"

It does, admittedly, hurt once in a while. But the thing is (and I just learned/reaffirmed this tonight), that first of all, God's word will not return to Him void. If He did say He's got someone prepared for me, then that will happen. Why? Simply because His word will not return to Him void. The revelation that my God is one that does not lie, in this context, became clear tonight. I mean, we all know what the bible says, that God is good and all that. But to bring it into my specific context was just really comforting.

Second of all, I've lost my myopia and I'm learning to look further into the future. The thing with us humans is that sometimes we get so preoccupied with our current situations that we fail to look beyond them and gain outward perspective. But I realise that what I feel for him isn't love, but guilt. And while he was the best thing I got at that time of my life, the fact is, people constantly morph and the me of 2007 (and 8 and 9) will be different from the me of today. My taste in guys will also probably morph, along with the rest of me. So. I still believe I have a guy out there for me, and that guy isn't him. And that makes me feel so much better.

Thanks, boss. (:

I've been a horrible blogger I KNOW. But. I've been really busy. With school, mugging, A.R. BERNARD (best speaker this year, HANDS DOWN) and all the other stuff that's been preventing me from using the comp AT ALL. Life has been fab, and God's been awesome, I'm still a happy camper... I just haven't had the time to blog about it. Lol.

- My mom's been changing and I can't be more thrilled. I know it sounds weird, but how to put it? After my dad passed away, it was as though her world stopped and she sort of died with him. She was just so sad and... lifeless that I thought she'd never get better. But of late she's been happy and excited about life and she's even been starting to work again. Plus, she went for A.R. Bernard's services and she loved them. SHE EVEN BOUGHT THE BOOK ABOUT HAPPINESS. My mom's rocking, I tell you.

- Work has been more and more enjoyable, I can honestly say I love my job (and all the tips I get). I still suck at pouring wine/beer/alcohol but I still chat with my customers (majority are expats) and they give me tips manymany. X) The kids stick to me like glue, and it's so fun being able to play with them and say its work AND get tips from their parents for taking care of them.

- Exams are coming and weirdly enough, I HAVE MISSED MUGGING. I am sort of clueless as to how to study for Marketing, so I'm memorising EVERYTHING, or trying to at least. After the dreaded exams (in which I pray I will do beyond insanely well for) it will be HOLIDAYS. Oh happy happy joy. :) There are a few books I've been dying to read (again) for a while now but haven't got the time. Namely:

Vladimir Nabokov - Lolita
Leo Tolstoy - War and Peace (the book is EPIC I tell you. Just borrowed it from the library and it has over 1300 pages with super small print. I think I'd be able to kill someone with it.)
Neil Gaiman - ALL HIS BOOKS, American Gods and Stardust in particular (I've just read Anansi Boys and OMGWTFBBQQQQQ. He is an amazing writer. I finished the book at 4 a.m. last night and couldn't put it down. Brilliant writer)
Jodi Picoult - ???? I've never read any of her stuff, but apparently it's pretty rocking so I'll try.
Leo Tolstoy - Anna Karenina
Tolkien - The Silmarillion
C.S. Lewis - Screwtape Letters

Some of these books are pretty hard to find in the library so if you have them PLEASE PLEASE lend them to me.

- And I have to post this silly Meme (why is it called a meme anyway?) because its the rule and I'm trying to make this filler post as long as possible. Heh.

If you tag on my board,

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory about you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. You must post this on yours.

Nigel

1. I can't remember when or why I started calling you Duckie.
2. BUY NICE NEW JEANS
3. White - everything's very clean cut.
4. I love the fact you are my MiniWikiMan, who rescues damsels in distress, and attacks the baddies by throwing encyclopedias at them. :)
5. I was at your old house, going to Bai Nian. I thought I'd be bored out of my wits cos' I knew no one and my mom would probably talk to her long lost friends for hours. Then I saw you. :) As it turned out, my mom was the one who had to end my conversation with you cos' I had to go off.
6. Duck(ie)
7. Erm. CAN YOU BUY ME LOTSA NICE THINGS BEFORE YOU COME BACK? Technically, that's more of a statement, but what the heck. =D

Siew Ling

1. I always wonder how you'd fare as a kisser, you with your short tongue.
2. Ask him already.
3. Green - I think of that off shoulder top you always wear, lol.
4. We're straight and all, but you're still my soulmate.
5. Talking about Constant Gardener, and The O.C. OST. I was hyperventilating because I found someone who knew Beulah was.
6. LIZARD
7. Can I book you for the whole hols, hon? :)

Derek

1. I miss your monkey sounds.
2. Buy Baygon and EXTERMINATE the bugger once and for all.
3. Brown - You should just claim ownership over your brother's AX jeans.
4. You let me cry when I need to, let me bite you (unwillingly), and I love the smell of your cologne :)
5. I actually remember! Sec 3, it was the first day of school I think. You were sitting with WengSeng at the back and I suddenly turned around to both of you and told you Sharmila was the most boring math teacher on the planet. Something like that, lol. And there was this crappy rumour that we were together, REMEMBER. Roflmao
6. MONKEY
7. Who's the one person you'd imagine yourself most likely to be with out of the Three of us?

Le Raine

1. You're my Christina Yang.
2. Call Aug your Baby Angel. ;)
3. Dark Red, almost Maroon.
4. We are vastly different, you and I. Your cynicism astounds me sometimes, but I rest safe in the knowledge that unlike the many whom I've met in my life, you're a sticker. You're stuck to me.
5. One of the first times I talked to you online. You asked the most blunt questions about life and love. And I knew you'd be a friend.
6. Gerbil - I don't know why. Lol.
7. What's the nicest, sweetest thing you've done?

Xiu Ling

1. I love the way you scrunch up your face. Simply adorable.
2. Talk to your EC properly.
3. Pink. Hello Kitty Pink.
4. Words don't suffice to describe you and how much you mean to me. All that can be said has been said, but what the heck. I love you, bestie. (:
5. I heard you were a bitch from that girl Karen in my class in Sec 2. Turns out she was the bitch all along, huh. Lol.
6. DOG. Queenqueen, and your evil monster/Darth Vader/Cruella DeVille GiGi. lol.
7. Why do you like EC?

Sherry

1. I miss Chinese lessons weef you. :(
2. Love Math, and Physics.
3. Do cow prints count? I think of your old template lol. Your very first one.
4. We don't meet, or talk that much - but you are always there. Please know I read your blog, like you read mine. And I care. (:
5. You were beyond quiet in Sec 1. You looked REAL moody, and I was scared. Really.
6. Cow. moomoo
7. When you do become a shrink, can you shrink me f.o.c.? =D

Adrenaline is still rushing through my body as I type. It was one AWESOME, fantabulous, brilliant, amazing, ____________ (fill in with happy, HAPPY word) dinner with 5 of my most favouritest people in the world.

X)

The whole day was spent fidgeting, anxious for the time to come. I even bothered to go to school dressed up (trust me thats a big thing). The cake was bought, the surprise planned, everything was settled and all that was left to do was have fun. My darling Xiu looked gorgeous, Derek looked oddly... smart and Wil.. good ol' Wil reminded me of our Secondary school days by donning that orbiang pink top he got.

The hours flew by and as we sat, talked, laughed, and even photowhored (God I miss those days Xiu) like crazy.. I just soaked it all in. After a long and intense seperation, all of us finally coming back together was like coming home. I flicked Wil, kissed Yu Ting, and took a MILLION photos with Xiu. The familiarity of it all was just so comforting. The fact that we didn't need to even try to think of questions to ask, or things to talk about... We were all so at ease with each other (an ice cube flew out off my mouth because I was laughing so hard hee) that I could easily see myself being their friends for the years to come.

It was excellent.

I feel like a Cheshire Cat, I can't wipe this silly grin off my face right now. I am so blessed, and really happy. I have more new amazing music (Christina Aguilera's new album is actually REALLY GOOD) thats keeping my iPod smiling, and I just had a fabulous dinner. ALL is right with the world. XD

Sarah is one happy camper.

Bethany Joy Lenz currently rules my world with her soul soothing ballads. Especially Then Slowly Grows, which has been on repeat on my iTunes for the last half an hour.

I take insanely few photos, even though I ocassionally try to change, I have never been in the habit of posing for photographs. How a pose captures The Moment is totally beyond me and somehow I feel I look weird in photos. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I get to hang out with my favouritest people in the world, and take many many photos because we're celebrating The Princess' 17th birthday. =D

Excited excited. Terribly excited. Hee!

Saw the fireworks with LiXian this year. It was good catching up with her. Laughing, chatting, just hanging out with my chum was really great. I'd thought it'd be weird to go back to speaking in Chinese but it was surprisingly.. comfortable. Almost like riding a bicycle. It felt familiar.

But the fireworks didn't seem so beautiful anymore. For the first time, I actually found it so stupid to watch those random patterns in the sky. Their beauty was temporary, it created illusions of grandeur and majesty... but really.. they were just patterns in the sky.


I'm semi moody, I apologise.


How do friendships work, anyway? How are they supposed to go? If there's one thing I'm truly clueless about, it's how to deal with the people I care about. School I can deal with, exams I can deal with.. Heck even the incessant bugs (one who's just lost a comb, I hear. heh) that fly around in my life I know how to swat away.

But friends... I become clueless. Because these people matter - and I don't want to wreck a good thing. The oldest chums I call my besties... what if we're slowly growing apart? I feel oddly estranged from them. It's as if I'm no longer an important part of their - his - life anymore. Maybe it's nothing, maybe I'm just being paranoid or a worry wart.. But I still can't help but feeling that he doesn't value this friendship - Us - as much as we do. He's so able to drop everything and find a new bunch. A new clique. A whole new life that just doesn't involve me. It's not that I need him or don't have a life of my own. Rather, its the idea that I'm losing someone I put in effort to know and develop a friendship with that makes sad.

He makes me feel as if I'm this extra in his life he tries to accomodate. So what do I do? Talk to him about it? Or just let it go. Pray it's a phase and give him time? Gah. I don't know.

And now I have to write this stupid journalism piece about cats infesting my block. Dammit.

So yesterday was one of the worst days of my entire school semester. If not for Bella (thank you Bella), I think I'd have just keeled over and died.

I had no clue our Media and Society GROUP PROJECT was due. I'd always assumed (from god knows where) that we had to hand it in on Wednesday. And I'd not editted anything (trust me there was LOTS I needed to edit) at all.

Let's go back to the beginning.

10.30 a.m. I wake up happily after an amazing dinner party my mom hosted last night. We had amazing food, and even had a surprise celebration for bro.Poh. All is right with the world.

12.00 noon. Happily talking to Nigel and asking him random questions regarding how to get to Race Course Lane. Just because Nigel's 100000000000 miles away doesn't mean he won't be able to give me directions to some ulu place around Little India. Have to get there to meet Bella to give an interview with Music For Good (part of another project I'm doing). All is still right with the world.

1.45 p.m. All ready to meet Bella. BUT. My dog is walking funny - he's only using three legs. He looks distressed and I'm worried. Decide to call the vet and wait for my sister to come home so she can bring him. Dammit I'm late! But I'm still happy.

3.15 p.m. Train ride was actually wonderful. My iPod was in a good mood (you know how it's like when you Shuffle Songs, and all the songs are tunes you've been craving to hear? something like that) and I had a really weird mix of music but it was all cool. Plus, Jeffrey Archer's The Fourth Estate was keeping me company. All is right with the world.

3.25 p.m. Bella innocently asks :" Hey have you handed in your Med Soc project? It's due today you know. You have to hand it in by 5 p.m."

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I THOUGHT IT WAS DUE ON WEDNESDAY."

"No ah. Due today. Wait lemme check with my handphone... Ya - due today."

I semi breakdown and nearly have a heart attack. Blood pressure rises steadily and I start pulling tufts of hair out. After a dozen frantic calls to my group members (who had happily decided not to bother about whether our project got handed in or not) who were not picking up, Bella practically shoves me into a cab rushing me back to school asking me to get it done. I love you Bella, me with my weird hair and all.

3.40 p.m. Horrendous cab driver. The word 'fast' is obviously not in his dictionary. I would have killed him if not for the fact I had no time to find a new cabbie or even hide the body. By that time, group member A calls me back and I REALISE SHE'S WATCHING A MOVIE. Boy am I pissed. After 5 minutes of asking her why she didn't call me at all or remind me or just ask me out of concern for her own grade whether I'd handed in our work and labelling a huge moron (words I now take back... sort of. Moron Winterwonks lives on, after all) I tell her to get her ass back home to help me.

Other frantic calls were made to my tutor asking for a possible extension (the answer was no) and more hyperventilating done.

Rush out of the cab, running to find a free lab. I thank God for internet. Still hyperventilating, and I have less hair left.

4.25 p.m. 35 minutes left. 2 of my group members have joined me (I love eBuddy too) and are also hyperventilating as they try to type/edit our project. We're actually getting somewhere and it's almost done. We collectively have very few hairs left.

4.55 p.m. Everything has been compiled and I've done the best editting and writing I can in that short amount of time. Miracle happens as Guy A enters lab armed with a whole BOX FULL of paper. Hallelujah, God is real. Despite looking utterly nuts, I approach him asking for 13 pieces of paper. THIRTEEN, mind you. He generously obliges and I nearly kiss him, except there's no time.

4.59 p.m. Printing has never been this slow. NEVER. Girl beside printer obviously thinks I'm crazy because I'm telling the printer to hurry up. Verbally. I turn to her and babble some total nonsense about having a project due at 5. She looks mildly shocked. No surprise there, granted I'm almost bald.

5.03 p.m. I'VE NEVER RUN SO FAST IN MY LIFE, UP 6 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. People obviously think I'm crazy now - strange bald female running up stairs like frantic maniac who's mumbling to herself.

5.05 p.m. Totally out of breath and desperately praying my tutor accepts my work. (Late = 50% of your grade, which almost guarantees an F) The only question he asks is "Why didn't you staple it?"

WHO CARES ABOUT NOT BEING STAPLED??? HE DIDN'T MARK ME LATE!!!!!

I'm crazy, but at least my paper is in. All is right with the world, sort of.


------

Many thanks to those who bothered to help, tried to help, and Bella I owe you my grade. If you're wondering why I seem to have one member who is missing from all the action - it's because she was. Happily and totally oblivious, until I'd handed up our work. I don't blame her for not knowing - I didn't tell her. Because in all honesty, I don't think she could have contributed much anyway. The only thing she could have probably done was increase my blood pressure and ask for a death wish.

This week is crazy, I tell you.