Have I mentioned I'm in love with Jason Mraz? My bro-in-law is so crazy about him he bought his concert DVD (which costs a bomb) from HMV and I'm half watching half trying to type. Lol.

Plus I'm so going to NYC. (Hello Steve. I love your shoes.) Officially confirmed + chop going cos we've already paid for our flight tickets. 22 hours with my butt glues to a chair. Goodness. My iPod won't even last that long :S Nevermind. I'll have Mr. A-Z to accompany me yay yay.


7 more days of work. 16 days till I see the big apple. Happy happy happy. XD

This is a filler post, btw. Nights!

Just finished a book called "Tuesdays With Morrie" and it's an awesome book. Shan't try to give a pathetic excuse as to why I didn't read it earlier - I can only blame my own laziness for that. It was my loss though, I thoroughly enjoyed the book (was even sneaking reads in the office cos' it was so hard to resist). Mitch Albom doesn't need to throw big words around - there is plenty of heavyweight ideas in the book already.

It's funny you know, every time I read of people dying, I get affected even though I try to refrain myself. Call me emotional, but I can understand the pain of losing someone so well it still affects me. The moments where I remember the fear and uncertainty I carried for so long with me.. That lump in my throat and the welling of tears - it all seems like yesterday even though the weeks have gone by. Don't get me wrong - I am slowly recovering - I am better now as compared to the last time I wrote about my father. But still.. The emptiness and ache still remains there. I read in Mitch Alboms book that his professor, affectionately known as "Morrie", had also lost a parent at a young age. When asked if the pain of losing a loved one ever did dissipate with time, and his answer was a No.

I think I can relate. I doubt I'll ever stop crying - not to be over dramatic, but because there will always be that sense of loss... hmmm how to put it? I cry for all the times I did not have with him. All the memories that were yet to be carved and the days I did not cherish enough. I cry for the fact my children will never meet the most awesome grandfather in the world. The irony is that while I want to cry, I keep inside most of the time. People might think I'm wallowing, people might think I'm not brave. Ah well, my blog is the place I can release all this. (That's another irony - that I can write so freely on my blog, and say so little about my thoughts in person. The many people I don't know or don't even like may come to my blog without my knowledge.. Ah well the pros and cons of the worldwideweb)

I think it's time to pay my daddy a visit. Nissan please send our car over soon. There are a million things I need to say, and even though I'll be doing all the talking, I know he'll be listening.

Onto other news, I'm definitely going to New York! Will travel to the Big Apple, Ohio and Toronto and I'm DREADFULLY EXCITED. Steve Madden stores here I come!! I'll get to see Times Square (and the naked cowboy hahaha), ground zero, MACYS!!, SAKS 5TH AVE!!!, the statue and a million other things. SO EXCITING! The only thing I'll be missing is the first week of school.. and Jus + Bern's wedding. Sigh. Guess I'll save my dress for another time then. New York New York, here I come!! X)

9 more days of torture... the countdown begins.

This just in -

One Spelling Bee contestant we all know and love has just received news that SHE TOPPED THE WHOLE CATEGORY DURING THE PRELIMINARIES!!!! Her sbelling shood bee verriee gued fore her to geht foole marx. Hip Hip Hurrah!

Also, the very same Singaporean girl who topped the Spelling Bee might be packing her luggages very soon and taking a trip to the BIG APPLE. No telling who, but this Singaporean girl is very very excited at the prospect of going to a FASHION CAPITAL and seeing all the amazing stuff in NYC! Who knows? She might just be able to take a trip down to her dream school for a look see look see. X)

I HEART NEW YORK!!!!
I can't wait to leave work (those... #T&$*$%$@!# I'm thinking of lacing their cups with powdered laxatives. Or sending a virus to their stupid computers...) and go on a holiday!!! No more Bangkok, it's now either Shanghai or The U.S. of A. that I'll be heading too. AAAHH SO EXCITING!!! The only thing is I'll be missing Orientation and maybe even the first few days of school if I do head down to New York. What's more.. I'll miss Jus + Bern's wedding. Waaah miss the wedding of the year.. CANNOT MAN!!!

But it's NEW YORK.. How??? Decisions Decisions. At least it's a good problem haha. I'm just really really glad to stop working, I'll NEVER ever work in WingTai as a perm staff. You'd have to shoot me and drag my dead body to the office. Turns out, even though they bring in the cool brands, it's a really super duper boring job. There are no pretty clothes to gush at and design and comment at. LOTS of numbers, and tons of analysing.

Sarah Ling can never mix with numbers. It's like mixing Milo with oil and bandung and adding salt and pepper to it (the weird drink was or cellgroup forgeit CAN U BELIEVE IT). Oh wells. 10 more days of torture and I get paid. Yippee!

Moving on, DJ Bern has moved on and taught me something new this week in my DJ lessons and WAH DJING IS VERY HARD CAN. For me to mix the beats properly.. =S So totally CMI sial. The good thing is, Bern said it's normal to be a bit clueless the first time. The bad thing? Mastering it properly will take quite long. quite long = ??? Sigh. NAIR MIND. I'm a diligent student. My iPod has just gone through a revamp and there are many many new beats inside. 1..2..3..4..

Just can't stand it when Bern gives me the "you will just know it" face whenever I ask him how he knows which song is faster/slowler within seconds of letting the two songs play. Makes me feel like a retard cos I still don't 'just know it". Oh wells, he's a brilliant teacher. Real patient and all (except when he stares at me when I'm trying to mix the songs together. STRESS.) to this utter noob like moi and he lets me fiddle with his precious 2nd wife freely. I have the coolest cgl ever. X)


Today is Saturday. TMR I CAN SLEEP IN! Oh happy happy joy. Nights world. X)

Am currently at work feeling extremely stoned cos' I slept late last night. That office is relatively empty and no one's watching me. YIPPEE! (There is a warped sense of satisfaction when I realize I'm getting paid to blog and websurf. I should blame Dilbert.)

Life's been rather mundane - work, go home, shopping once in a while, meeting my friends once or twice a week.. and voila you have the story of my life. As I become more accustomed to working life, I've realized more and more what people mean when they say they hate working. It's hard to do something everyday for 9 hours without complaining if you're not passionate about it. If you're not interested and you do it purely for the pay, you'll end up a whiny complaining bitch/asshole in 5 years.. tops.

- Good God. I just imagined myself working at WingTai permanently.. AH! SCARY! -

No wonder so many adults look so grumpy all the time.

Watched V for Vendetta last night and it was amazing. Not exactly a life changer like Bern said, but definitely thought provoking. It somehow reminded me a bit of Brave New World. A society that loses freedom in exchange for 'peace' and how governments are under the power of corrupt officials. It's about one person who is willing to take a stand for all he believes in and make change. Albeit using the wrong methods - but still. Instead of going with the flow out of fear, (or even worse, indifference) someone dared to take a stand and change the world. Brilliant.

You don't have to wait for wars to start a revolution. Neither do you have to be Guy Fawkes to be capable of inculcating change. All it takes is an idea.


Ok, enough of my rambling - my excel spread sheet is staring at me. Have much to complete today and it all involves numbers. PEK CHEK! I'll shelve my dreams about revolutionising my world for now. Au Revoir!

I'M IN THE QUARTERFINALS! (this sounds dreadfully familiar...)

Hip Hip Hurrah!

Ok. Celebration's over. I'd better read through my words again. X)

"Sometimes you feel like you're taking 3 steps forward and two steps back.. That's better than just drifting aimlessly."

It's hard to move on, hard to "let go and let God" as so many christians say. The problems that I carried with me don't automatically disappear just cos' I'm back in church. On the contrary, they seem to bug me more. Just when I thought that I'd gotten over all past hurts, they resurface out of the blue to sting me once again...

It's hard to unharden a heart that's numb. Don't want to sound over cliched, but I had intentionally numbed myself to everything. I figured it was worth losing what was true joy to get rid of that nagging ache deep down. Ignore the pain and maybe, just maybe, it'd go away itself with time. But that's not how I'm supposed to live - like I'm just dying everyday. I'm supposed to be alive - to love people, to let people in.

Pain doesn't just dissipate with time. Yes, the hurts slowly mend and the heart heals - only if you let it start beating again. Pump blood, pump oxygen, make sure it's nice and soft before any 'nails' can be yanked out.

- And I do mean yanked out. When it hurts to even think about it, it's HARD to make myself forgive and let go. -

I can't help but feel vulnerable, to everyone. As I try to socialize, escape from this shell I've hidden in for the past few months and actually start to care, I constantly fight the cynic within my brain who tells me that all these people will walk away, or even worse, not give chase when I so desperately need them. That feeling of disappointment is all too familiar. So as I try to open myself up to people, it's like fighting a battle within myself. Prying open the padlocks I chained so well, 'softening' the heart I went to great lengths to harden..

It hurts sometimes. Ah, who am I kidding? It basically hurts all the time.

BUT, and once again thank God for all the good 'but's, I will get over this and move on. I will be my old self again. I will love people passionately - only the right ones haha. It's draining carrying hate inside your chest, its tiring to feel so vengeful all the time. To me, that's why the bible says that vengeance is God's to bear - not for the person who deserves the punnishment, but rather for the person who's carrying all that hate around. I will no longer hate. To say I've forgiven is a long haul, and to say I can love those people once again is just nonsense. I aim to be indifferent. I am becoming indifferent.

Thank God for the new friends who've come - out with the old, in with the new. It's high time I stop remembering those turkeys. Gotta start flying with the eagles baby!

Oh f.y.i.,

Sbelling B wuz a BREAZE. X)

I am this close to falling asleep while I type - played basketball (after don't know how many donkey years) with the cellgroup and Dave is DA MAN! (Yes I know, my pathetic attempt to sound street is failing so I shan't even continue. Besides, I have spelling bee tomorrow and it's HIGH TIME I start brushing up on my England. No wait, ENGRISH. XD) He's 1.82 and he doesn't even need to TIPTOE to gai me completely when I try to shoot. Feel so CMI!! But it is superb to get hot sweaty and sticky. Running around the court playing 4-on-4 with darling Jessica there was FUN! She is a super sportsWOMAN, no wonder she was from AHS sport's class. hahaha.

Exercise is good. I must do it more often - really hope everyone has time to make it a fortnightly thing.

Wish me luck on the spelling bee my dearies. It's time to get my beauty sleep and rest those tired brain cells of mine. Tomorrow is another long day and I have NEW CLOTHES to go with the long day (yay!). Found a few bargain buys from the Wingtai carpark sale and I think Fox jeans have one of the best fittings around, considering the price. Thanks to Justina for the tip. X)


You can tell I'm rambling right - it's the basketball game that drained me la. Really CMI now. Fallingg... asleeppppppp

When something's so good the words don't do it justice. Amazing.. Brilliant.. TOTALLY FABULOUS - all these don't even begin to describe how fucking awesome (pardon the language but it was much more than 'very' awesome and that phrase seems so apt) the concert was. The first concert I've ever been to at the Esplanade and DAMN IT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!

I am floating on a cloud of Jason Mraz - I find it so amazing his small frame can fit such a LARGE voice. He did quite a few songs - mostly from his latest album, Mr.A-Z, and a few of his other popular songs like "You and I" and "The Remedy". A few other songs from the Java Joe collection and TONS TONS TONS of improvisation.

His voice is heaven sent. I was raptured - just sitting there soaking in everything. For the first song I was trying to remember everything - the sound, the lighting.. Then I stopped trying and enjoyed the music. WOAH! Solid man. It takes a true genius to be able to pull off a concert with ONLY a guitar and percussions (done by the very brilliant and funny Taco). Others usually need dancing, or pyrotechnics, or loud flashy costumes. The true geniuses only require their instruments. He looked so average you would never have guessed he was a superstar (he is, i.m.o). That's the beauty of it - he seems so much more REAL than the other stars you see on MTV. No flashy outfit - just Tshirt and jeans with a cap thrown on for good measure - it was purely about the music.

Props to him and Taco for making such beautiful music - for flowing so seamlessly and making it look so effortless. Props to the awesome crowd

- one of the best parts of the night was when practically the whole audience was singing the chorus to "You and I" with Jason and Taco providing the melody. WAAHH!! THAT SOUNDED SO FRIGGIN AWESOME!! -

for making the whole concert such an enjoyale one. Singaporean audiences aren't as dead as I'd feared. On the contrary, everybody seemed so excited when Jason Mraz came out onto stage.

To think I thought I'd be the only crazy one. Lol. I'd spent the WHOLE DAY waiting for tonight. In fact, I've spent 3 MONTHS waiting for tonight and it was worth it. The anticipation.. Jason Mraz didn't disappoint and in fact, he sounds better live than on any CD I've heard him on. SO AMAZING.

Was at work praying the hours go by faster and almost running out of the office at 6. Many thanks to Mr. Ling for BLESSING ME WITH THE CONCERT TICKET (I wasn't kidding when I said I'm going to laminate it you know) and also picking me up from work and driving me around. You are very fab. We shall go watch JOHN MAYER TRIO together if they ever come down ok!!! =D

A very, very, very good day. Am a happy happy happy girl. Can you tell I'm still floating around on the cloud of Mr Mraz's voice? X)


-------------



It's been a month, and I miss you even more. Can't believe28 days have flown by without warning and the days seem to be passing faster and faster. I've been trying to move on, trying real hard. Sometimes I convince myself that I'm a step closer to succeeding - but deep down I fear I never will be able to leave the pain behind. I miss you, and it still hurts so bad. It's weird, but I even feel guilty for having fun sometimes. I know it's nonsensical - I just wish you were here so I could wax lyrical to you.

It's been a month, 'normalcy' has returned - but please read this up there in heaven and know I will never forget you. Never ever ever. And even though I move on with life - I will never ever forget you. I wouldn't be able to even if I tried. Remember me ok. We'll see each other real soon. I love you, everytime I say it I love you a bit more than the last time. I love you daddy dear.

I'M SO BUSY!!

And I want to blog, just have no time. Am starting to feel guilty cos' my bible is STARING STRAIGHT AT ME. I can hear it scream "study me study me study me.. i'm the only way you'll get your ipod video...."

AAAHH!!!

It's dreadfully irritating when you get one or two words wrong out of the whole list. Just kills me when I miss the full marks by an extra letter. Seriously, it kills me. In my quest to attain the perfect score, I think I'm fast turning into a nut. machiavellian? otiose? zoroastrianism? whobloodycares??!! Oh wait - I do. See how my sanity is slipping away?!?


Speaking of lost sanity, I went to a clinic near my house yesterday (had MC cos I was down with a flu/cold. The Monday Blues DO EXIST I TELL YOU) for my Poly checkup. TP wants to ensure I'm sane and I don't have bird flu. -.-" Managed to suppress Clara (fed her sweets) and hurray! I'm sane and healthy! Surprise surprise. This is turning out to be another entirely nonsensical post. I CAN'T BLOG WITH THAT BIBLE STARING STRAIGHT AT ME DAMMIT! MAKE IT STOP STARING.

Ooops. Clara's not got her endorphins yet. I better go back to studying. Au revoir-

Dear perfect score,

Stop running away. I am going to catch you before Sunday and tie you up till my preliminaries end. Then I'll let you go and catch you before my quarterfinals. SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL STOP RUNNING. Thanks.

Clara

I am having a bad case of the Monday Blues. I'm also extremely tired due to lack of sleep. So this post will be totally random.

I dread waking up at 7.15 and dragging my very tired ass out of bed to Serangoon. 20 more days of work... 20 more days of work.. SIANNNN!!! Oh well, I look forward to collecting my pay. $.$

Speaking of money, I've already gotten my first list of Spelling Bee words and I'm quite relieved to say I know most of the words. Still, staring at all of them in that thick booklet can be rather unnerving. And when my mom tests me, I start to think, "Is it double T or single? Double S or double C?" even when it's a word I'd normally know. I think I'll have to bring my new bible to work... $.$

It's bad you know - I've been spending money even before I get any. Bought a new dress at Forever 21 and it's so gorgeous. Matched it with this retro-mama jacket and voila! I have my outfit for Bernard + Justina's wedding. XD My mom was in a good mood today so we walked around Orchard. Fun, fun, fun.

Another fun fact - there are only 5 days till I see my beloved Jason Mraz LIVE. I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT! Mr Ling you still owe me dinner....

Speaking of music, last week's DJ lessons were superb and Bern taught me about House music. I just love being able to find a new sound. "new sound" - not that I've never heard House music before, but I've never really appreciated it until now. But when the beats get into you it's just so friggin amazing. I am still counting my beats (1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. ONE) and it's driving me insane. In a good way, of course.


Ok - so by now ya'll shoulda figured this is such a filler post. But not blogging for 4 whole days was starting to bug me. More when interesting stuff happens. Hahaha.

I love counting beats...

1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. Although I think I'm going insane cos' I've been counting them all the time.

Speaking of numbers, I started work at WingTai doing admin. and all I can say is... I really dislike excel and I REALLY dislike numbers. -.-" Now I can say I understand what my siblings mean when they say that studying is a million times better than working. SO TRUE...! Especially when you're stuck in an office staring at an excel spreadsheet all day. It's so exceedingly boring that it actually sucks the life outta you. That's the irony. It's not the least bit mentally stimulating, yet I feel rather dead whenever I leave the office. It's almost like the office is Azkaban. -.-" Well on the bright side, the people there are pretty nice, the person I'm working for/with is very... normal and nice. Haha. If that sounds like a very vague description, it's just cos' I don't know her very well yet. Haven't seen any crazy spells so I'm going to assume she's as nice as I think she is. X) I'm already starting to get into the routine of things in the office. Going in armed with my iPod, jacket, water bottle and some tidbits (I'm bringing tidbits tmr hahaha) as if I'm going to fight some battle.

I hate work, but I love money. So what to do? Guess I'm sticking to this job. Haha. It is actually very useful to think of my salary when I feel like walking out of the place.

It's funny how I have so many things to say even though I've only worked there for 2 days. Lol. Oh well.. $_$


Off to sleep. Am seriously considering carrying a dictionary with me tomorrow cos I'm going to be joining the Spelling Bee!!! I CAN JOIN!!! Hahaha. Such competitions are perfect for the nerd within me. I cannot wait. X) Toodles darlings!

Dear B,

Thank you for listening to me rant and accepting me as a person and member and friend, flaws and all. I'm really glad I decided to just put myself out there and really talk to someone for the first time in the long time. To rant and tell someone that I'm not ok yet - to say it out loud to another person and not get the pseudo sympathy but some real advice from someone who knows what it's really like to have lost a loved one..

Thank you for showing your love. The fact that I could confess I've got trust issues with people from church now, and what I did during my dad's wake without feeling uncomfortable was really a breakthrough for me of some sorts. You've shown that you're first and foremost my friend, but also my leader. I might not show my gratitude all the time, but this is for you. Silly me - wanting to do all the changing cell group nonsense. Well, I'll try to stick it out here for now, I'll stop running away.

---

I feel lighter, after having had a talk with my leader. Been a long time since I've really confided in anyone and it releases me a bit somehow from the pain I bear. Being able to just talk about it and have a good cry.. Much better than bottling it up from people. After being hurt by the previous group, I guess today's talk really started the beginning of my letting go. Despite having been so suay to be stuck with turkeys (they even have a leader lol) the past few years, God is good and I'm better than them. It's time I stopped stooping to their level, and rise above it by determining to become NOTHING like them.

I'll always miss daddy, always and forever. But it doesn't mean that God isn't good or that He can't heal. I've been tried in many ways the last couple of weeks. When pastors talk about healing, and even the play in church is so zhun - it was a skit about a father being stricken with cancer.. It really bothered me more than I thought it should have. I could actually relate to the story - the pain of losing someone is still very raw. Still - God is a good God. It's time for me to be thankful for the small things he's blessed me, and my family with.

1. I thank God for making sure the insurance money came through on time for us to buy the car before the COE bidding ended.

2. I thank God WE'RE BUYING A NEW CAR! Not a continental, as daddy would have liked, but we are actually buying a 'moving tin can' (something my Dad used to call japanese cars in cantonese last time haha). The white Nissan Latio looks pretty darn cool on the outside and is so comfortable on the inside, makes me want to drive too. =D

3. I thank God I'm in Temasek Poly, Communications and Media Management course hahaha. No surprise, but I'm still grateful there were no cock ups and I don't have to bother with the hassles of going through appeals. X) Plus! Dearest Derek Wang, resident monkey in my life, will be there with me!! The comforts of a familiar face.. I'm seriously looking forward to school haha.

4. I thank God the family's getting closer and we're going on a trip to Bangkok in April! Fun shopping and bargaining and how could i forget the MASSAGES, what more could I ask for?!

5. I thank God for the job offer at Wing Tai doing admin work meaning I don't have to travel around and my working hours are fixed. I hope I get staff discounts cos' I already so a nice pair of flats at topshop that I've got my eyes on...

6. I thank God for amazing friends who make me shoes (Li Xian dear, the whole world loves them and no one believes they're made and not bought. I'M THE ONLY ONE WITH SUCH COOL SHOES!! THANK YOU!!) that look so gorgeous. I must post pictures up soon.

And most importantly, I thank God Bernard is TEACHING ME HOW TO DJ!!!!

For a music lover like me, nothing beats listening to awesome club mixes of famous Pet Shop Boys singles for hours at a go.. Or learning how to fiddle with the mixer, and properly catching beats.. There is so many things that go into making everything the audience hears in the club sound so great. Won't go into the details of what I learnt but boy oh boy do I love vinyls now. Hahaha. I keep hearing the basic beats (1.. 2.. 3.. 4..) in my head in EVERY song I hear and since yesterday, I've listened to the whole Scratch Perverts mix twice. (The mix is 1 hr 50 minutes long) The Pet Shop Boys are so friggin cool!!!!

"I've got the brains, you've got the looks.. Let's make lots of money."


I carry joy with me.

I still carry the heaviness with me.

I don't know why some people are able to throw words out so lightly. Their "I love you"s come so fast and freely they carry no substance or weight after a while. That's the funny thing with such phrases. You can't say them too often if not they lose their special touch. They lose their meaning when actions don't back up such words. I am going to be smarter, and not believe such people anymore.

Getting hurt by a bunch of hypocritical people has changed me. Today as I was surrounded by new aquaintances, I suddenly realized I've become much more reclusive as compared to before. My initial reaction is "Why do you want to know me" instead of just being able to socialize and make friends. Once bitten, twice shy I guess. I'll take consolation in the fact time does heal all wounds and God's still a good God. Haha

It's an insane time of the night already. Lala land here I come

All I have to say is..

I GOT MY ISSEY MIYAKE EDT!!!!!!! Many thanks to Li Xian for buying it for me at Chinatown at sucha fabulous price. =D


I'm a happy happy girl. X)))

Went out yesterday for the first time since my dad passed away. The normalcy of it was freaky. My friends were so... normal. There's probably no other word to describe them. Everything was too normal - as if my dad wasn't dead, as if everything was normal.

But it's not you see. Not to me. Try as I might to move on, I can't. It's as if I've been superglued emotionally to that very point my dad died, and as dramatic as the next line may sound, I sometimes feel like a big part of me died along with him. Having fun seems so.. wrong sometimes..! And although I try desperately hard not to show it, I carry this immense sense of heaviness no one seems able to ease. The lump in my throat never really goes away.

Why is there no protocol for how to feel/react after a loved one has passed? Why is there no handbook to teach you what to do, or some pills you can pop just to ease the pain? I feel guilty for being so gloomy all the time, and I really try to hide it. But it just doesn't go away, know what I mean?

I miss his voice, most of all. Even in the last few months, he still had that strong clear voice. It sounded so weird, coming out of his frail body. But it was very comforting to hear that his voice was still the same. When I sat down and talked to him, I could close my eyes and just imagine he was back to his normal self. I wished we had videos to remember him by. Or sound recordings where I could just hear his voice, if only for just one more time.


I feel weary. Tired of trying to hang out, even if they are the closest of friends. Nobody seems to understand fully that I'm not done mourning. And I won't be yet. Someday I'll get over the pain... but not yet. I'm tired of hearing and thinking about how expensive the family costs, how much my education costs.. I'm 17 - supposed to be thinking of boys and shopping, not insurance claims and the monthly finances and how I can contribute.

Help.