Fantasy is what people want, reality is what they need. In FantasyLand, he changes for me. I need a big hard dose of reality. Give it to me, somebody. Quick!

--

Sometimes it's just SO hard to put yourself out there you know? Fear of rejection, fear of being stupid, saying the wrong thing. Since when is it wrong to care? Apparently, there's a cool way of doing it and the not so cool way. And I'm not cool enough. Sigh.

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I'm trying to hold on to the people I love but somehow I get the distinct feeling they are slipping further and further away. If the only friends I have are all by proxy... Then its a sad life innit. Sometimes I wish the world would stop, and I could just have a nice cuppa with the Four (and probably a few others) at Starbucks.

--

MidTermTests are up next week and for the first time, I'M EXCITED. Finally - mugging for something I like. It proves to be extremely satisfying. I'm loving my course more and more. It's amazing how time flies and just. like. that. My holidays are starting next wednesday. Gosh.

--

Nigel I miss our conversations. Very Much.

Sometimes I wish you'd let me through - let me be your friend. Understand that I understand your pain and honey, I want to share it with you. You hide behind this facade of nonchalance and 'i-don't-care's but I see past that and look at someone as confused as I am. You intrigue me, you know?

---

I regret not learning my dialect properly. The smatterings of Khek and Cantonese I know make it almost impossible for me to communicate with her efficiently. Our conversations are limited to the 'how are you's and 'have you eaten's said because there's nothing else I know how to say. I love her dearly, I wish she understood that. I try to communicate it through touch. Holding her hand, stroking her hair.. Its funny how she keeps commenting on my highlighted hair ("why so white one ah.."). She's so adorable sometimes - the way she mixes names up. Women become men, hungry becomes full.. She gets frustrated with it occassionally, but we try to tell her it's ok. We know she knows. It's just the stroke thats jumbling the words up.

I pray she gets better. She will be fine, she will recover, and one day she'll be able to say my name again.

Here's a quickie so my blog doesn't look so bare. I just finished up with helping my class in CCN day and I'm waiting for my mom to pick me up so we can go visit my grandma in the hospital. I've been down the last two days cos of this AWFUL rash that got to me and JUST WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

dammit.

I never get allergies. Never as in this is the first time in my life I'm reacting to godknowswhat. Stupid doctor said "oh it's either something you touched, smelled or ate."

-.- Helpful, innit.

So while I'm recovering from looking like a semi alien with red bumps, here's how the week has been so far. I'm FINALLY done with my marketing journals (I should start selling I Heart Nigel tshirts) and my journalism proposal was approved. Now all that's left is my real journalism piece, my med soc work and my marketing proposal.

... Seems like alot all of a sudden. Oh wells. Im enjoying school and life very much.

Ok mommy just called she's on her way. So much for a filler. Heh.

There are many heart problems that exist in this world.

The myriad of heart diseases, from cardiovascular disease, to pulmonary heart disease, strokes.. heart attack. And then there's the heartache of loss, the emotional pain that's accompanied by that sinking feeling. The heart literally hurts.

Proverbs 4 : 23 is stuck in my head. "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out if springs the issues of life."
Haven't been doing that too well, I must admit. I'm akin to a five year old - my attention lasts about... Have I mentioned I bought new shoes?

I've found it hard to balance carrying my grief and moving on. There is a part of me that fears moving on. I know it sounds illogical, but the faster I move on seems to mean the lesser I cared. Not true of course, but there is the whackjob (or not) in me that wants to carry the pain. And then there's guarding my heart against harbouring unforgiveness. It's a constant struggle - the idea of forgiving before he/she says sorry is so.. absurd sometimes! I'm learning though. Forgiving not for them but for me. God is amazing, He never fails me. When I cannot find it within me to contain the anger or grief, he is there. When I'm beyond myself he helps me keep my sanity. I keep acting like a spoilt brat and He loves me unconditionally like a father to a child. Abba...


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School has been hectic, to say the least. If anyone tells you polytechnic life is a breeze, HE'S LYING. I'm so swamped with work I have no time for anything anymore (damn you marketing journals). Between marketing and journalism and TRYING TO squeeze out artistic creativity onto a logo/brochure/poster, I've ended up a semi headless chicken. Running around like a nut (somehow the vision of nearly headless nick came into my brain lol) is becoming a norm every day.

Plus, I'M BACK IN SPELLING BEE!!!!! Apparently for some strange reason I QUALIFY FOR THE SEMIS despite the fact I wasn't around for Quarterfinals! The bad thing is I have 2 days to go through all 1500 words.

But it's a thousand smackeroonies....

I'm loving school more and more, am super glad for people like Le Raine and esp. ms Siew Ling. FINALLY SOMEONE WHO LOVES INDIE LIKE ME. Plus, she's also in Spelling Bee. I have a mugging partner.

Have a ton of work and WORDS staring at me. More when I can. Love love.

Sometimes the word are insufficient. They come out wrong, they sound funny.. Sometimes they even diminish the importance and extent of what you really want to say.

Thank you seems so... lacking in a sense.

I love you seems so... cliched. We take all the I Love Yous we hear with a pinch of salt and a slight cynicism.

But then there are some people whose I Love Yous make the world go right when everything was in chaos.

Their hugs magically reduce your pain. They carry your pain with and for you.

Their lack of words, but complete faith in you make you instantly become a giant ready to handle anything.

I say too much, to cover the awkward silence. We fill the gaps with incessant unneccessary superfluous babbles of 'how was your day' and 'what did you eat for lunch', when really all I want to do is hug her and tell her I'm there for her. That I see her pain and I really truly want to share it with her. That we haven't forgotten him.

But sometimes these words make everything so trivial. "Pain" - the word itself is so vague and broad that it covers a magnitude of meanings. Using it seems to diminish the actual sorrow and hurt we go through.

All I want to say and feel inapt to, all that I wish to express but can't.. I'll try to squeeze it into a sentence.

Mommy I love you.

Dream...

She dreams of visiting the Big Apple again. Of walking the streets she can now proudly claim she's walked before. Breathing the culture in and seeing the different people. The sights and smells of Greenwich that made her feel so at home and comfortable. She dreams of leaving this place, of fast forwarding time and getting into That University. Living in the city of cities, NYC being a highflier. A highflier who meets Mr.A-Z.

She dreams of finding true love. The man who can be her best friend and lover at the same time. The one who won't just leave... the one who sticks around after the curtains fall and everyone's left the theatre. The concept of love might be vague and unclear, it might seem impossible, but she still believes in it. She dreams of finding the man who's like her father.

She dreams of talking to her daddy again. Of laughing with him and running to him for a big hug. She dreams of seeing his smile once more.

He would have been the best marketing teacher in the universe. He would be the walking wiki that kicked anyones (that includes you Nigel) ass.

----

So we went out today and apparently mr.wong.cheok's face is much smaller than I remembered. He was sweet enough to buy us lunch (thank you PAP for giving him $$) at Pepper Lunch. Mr.emo-i-need-a-black-wristband-lets-walk-to-fareast-NOW-even-though-sarah's-in-pain actually looked pretty cool in the shades I bought him. Although the one who thought the shades were happening was mr.AMK a.k.a. asianRobSchneider. Greatly appreciated mr.AMK, I'm sorry I laughed at the robschneider thing but you SERIOUSLY look like him. Lol. SammieWammie as she's affectionately known complied to our requests of her dressing up like a Lolita (hurry bug her to post pics) and it was pretty.. interesting. Lol. Been quite a while since I went to town and I realize NYC kicks its ass a million times over. Oh wells.

I think I have a problem with showing emotions. Lionel, Sam + Kenneth were making passing comments on how smoking could lead to cancer and for some weird reason they each said something to the effect of "oh my dad won't get cancer I don't need to worry". Took a while for it to register but by the time I got home I felt it. Sharp and familiar.

It feels funny when I hear about cancer and fathers. Especially fathers who have cancer. It affects me more than I thought it would. I wanted to say - "hey that's not something you should say lightly. people suffer when such things happen. I'VE suffered having to battle the disease with my dad." but then I realize they'd have thought I was wonks.

But I can't help it you know. Passing statements like these are not just passing statements to me. And God help me how I hate smoking. Oh wells. I have a million assignments due and I'VE NOT DONE ANYTHING. So much for my desire to get onto dean's list. But nair mind. Duty calls, my bed needs me. Au Revoir.

Don't you just love Singaporean elections? It's the only 'free' country that has the older generation afraid of being 'kidnapped and thrown into Sentosa forever' if you ever dare say something bad about the PAP. Somehow I find the whole "don't say so loud... wait they catch you ar" mentality rather amusing. Anyway.

My sister voted for the Opposition is because a PAP truck caused her to be stuck in a 45 minute traffic jam.

My brother voted for the Opposition because... well, because he was bored actually.

My mom voted for the Opposition because she felt like it.


I love my family. X) Although of course if I'm unable to get into NUS I'll know why....... Lol.


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I always thought my dad is the glue of the family - the one who held everything together and maintained the peace. He made sure no one killed anyone and we always settled our differences in love. Might sound flaky, but he never allowed anyone in the family (including himself) to remain pissed with each other for too long. We could hate what each other did, but we knew we ultimately loved the person.

Turns out that while things are definitely less fun without him, we are still a pretty rocking family. (Yesterday we had the most fun time playing Cranium TURBO, the bestest board game in the universe. Seriously, CRANIUM IS SO COOL! And totally un-nerdy can. Lol) Who knew? We still have fun, mommy is head of the household and I'm actually growing up pretty fast. Controlling that temper of mine because I know no one is there to mediate anymore... finally being able to relate to the siblings better.. While there are times I wish he could be with us now and see how life is.. I realize he is seeing how we are now and how life has become... That's the importance of having faith right? I know I will see him again.

But before I start straying into the topic of religion and philosophy....

Some people never get the chance to say that they have the most rockingest daddy and family in the world. Some people don't even believe it. They spend all their lives with people they don't even remotely like. And to me that's more sad than losing a loved one - not even having any loved ones in your life to lose. At least I've been able to have loved, and honestly, I don't consider it a true loss. It's merely... temporary seperation.

And no I'm not saying that the searing pain I feel every once in awhile has gone away, but rather I know it's ok and we're gonna be alright. Soon.


I have much work to do - the assignments seem to be piling up all of a sudden. And if you believe it or not, my Graphic Design Fundamentals tutor actually said I have a good eye for photography. Not bad aye? For all you know I might be a budding fashion photog. Heh heh. :p Ok, journ work awaits. Mr. S is more anal than I thought and I do want to do a good piece of work for him.

More soon sweeties. And thanks to all who cared about me after the second last post. Love love. X)

There are a million thoughts swirling in my head. It's at times like these, when for some weird reason the house is totally quiet and I'm comfortably plonked on the couch, that I feel a sense of tranquility. Sort of. I sit down and let the thoughts just run around in my head (it can get pretty noisy up here).

Love - reminiscing lost love, who to love, whether it's worth it or not.. Life and fulfilling my purpose, whatever that may be... Missing NYC and dreaming of the roads I walked on the placed I visited... School, the vast difference between cchms and the 'kiasu-ness' (I readily admit exists) to excel and get into my dream school.... Friends I have lost, am ready to make and friends I want to let go off because they are just being turkeys. Also the friends I don't know I should make. Who I am what truly defines me... MARKETING and that assignment... Missing those turntables like crazy, will I ever truly become a solid DJ?

And that's just the tip of the iceburg.

Being in a new school where everything is foreign and unfamiliar territory is... hmmm, can't exactly find a word to aptly describe it but there is a wariness I carry with me. Do they like me? Have I found the correct group mates? Who are the bitches, backstabbers, and liars? Who will disappoint and who are those I should risk being friends with? I've heard quite a few stories of the different people in the course and I'm wondering whether I should bother hearing anymore. Will they make me a biased friend? For people X, I'm already treading with caution and trying to keep my distance. What if what people say about them is true? What if it's not? Should take the risk? Maybe I'm overthinking, but I can't help it. I haven't really found someone I flow with. No certain person I can truly 'click' with and maybe that's a good thing. I'm still exploring my options, getting to know the people a bit better... I wonder what they think of me. I watch what I say, how I act, what I do..... Not because I fear people's opinions and words, but because I have been the one who didn't give a damn what people thought and now I just want something less... troublesome.

Aside from my overthinking, school has been pretty fun. I'm loving marketing and med soc just as I thought I would. =)

Breakfast is calling. I'm hungry. Till next time

I still miss him. After 2 months and 17 days, the ache hasn't gone away.

While talking the my new classmates trying to be outgoing and friendly, I wonder what advice he'd give me - wait, I know the advice he would have given.

"Just go out there and have fun."

I'm trying really hard to, and sometimes I think I even am succeeding. But there are the days, those times I still feel like shit. I still need to cry again, to miss him again, and to talk to someone about it. Not that anyone really gets it. And even if there are those who do understand, I remind them of their pain. The one they thought they'd buried and hidden.

But the pain never really goes away, you know?

Crap I'm so emo now. Arh. I need a hug from him.

Bleah/

Total Nonsense.

I'm awake at 5 in the morning because of the bloody jetlag. BASKET...!! There's school tomorrow and I think I'm screwed.

Speaking of which, the first day was.. interesting, to say the least. Met a few rather ahem, interesting characters and I think it will be an interesting semester. Still crossing my fingers in the hopes of being in the same class as Derek next sem....

I'm hungry.

And sort of sleepy but I can't sleep... Damn that short stinky man in front of me in the plane...

I'm hot as well.

I miss NYC, and Canada.

There's this totally happening Bossa Nova band (nigel: HAH!) called Nouvelle Vague. Brilliant superb stuff. =D

I didn't get what my Marketing lecturer was saying. After the first lesson I already think I will dread Tuesdays.

Ok. Off to eat something. Au Revoir.

See? Told you all this is total nonsense today. Haha

HELLO SEA! HELLO HOT WEATHER!!!!

I'm currently in KL Intl airport waiting for my flight back to SUNNY SINGAPORE and boy oh boy I'm excited like.. dunno wad. That's how excited I am. I GET TO SEE MY DOGGY (did you think I was going to mention your name? =p)!!!!!!!!!! Miss that fat fluffball like crazy la. MICCKEEEYYYY!! His cute ears.. His indignant high pitched bark which means he's pissed with you "how dare u go to nyc without me nobody sayang me nobody play with me I WAS ALL ALONE how could u do that..." and his incessant tail wagging and sniffing of all the luggage (he tried to jump in my luggage before I left then I locked him inside. I think he has a slight phobia for luggages now lol) which is so adorable.

But I digress. I'm supposed to talk about my NYC trip!

Wait. I can talk about anything I want. See, that's what happens when you have to sit in a plane for over 11 hours and the guy in front of you keeps blowing his nose and FARTING and pushing his chair wayyyy back even though he's short.

Oh wells. Can't wait to have nasi lemak for breakfast later. My laptop is running low on battery I better go. Toodle darlings!! I'll be seeing my beloved bolster in a lil bit. YIPPEEEE!!!

X)