Regret.

For the words that were left unsaid and those that were said too rashly. The feeling comes suddenly. swiftly when I least expect it, leaving me heavy hearted. Take last night for example. I was rummaging my room for my pens and then I remembered how you used to be the one I called when I lost things. For some strange reason you were always good at that. Then I remember all our conversations, the nonsensical ones... And then those I wish never happened. I'm left wondering what caused this and why we couldn't resolve it. I can't help but ask...

What if I'd did things differently?

The regret hits when I come to the sinking conclusion that nothing can be done to make us go back to how we were. I'd trade all the French in the world for you, but I can't..

But I can't.


-----


Bind every thought into the captivity of Christ, huh? It's hard but I'm slowly doing it. So that all the above paragraphs don't take control of me. Sometimes I over indulge in the melodrama. My thoughts run wild and they leave me fearful, weary and cynical. Knowing it and hating it and being unable to break free is so... frustrating. But then I remember to renew my mind. Quite frankly not easy, its tiring... But it feels so much better than being held captive by negativity. I've realised that the greatest prison is your mind. Trapped with your thoughts and being unable to break free is the worst torture. Maybe that's why people go crazy? I wasn't a certified schitz, but I definitely felt totally wonks. Felt.

Realize it's past tense?

I leave those nasty thoughts where they belong - in the past - and get new ones. I feel good. And happy. And loved. My life is definitely sweet.

Thank you so much James, for last night's conversation. You are officially given permission to be the scary (or not so, heh) Big Brother.

I was good today, by the way. =)

Random Ramblings.

Ahh... The sound of my printer has never been so satisfying. I'm finally done with my paper (it's a supposed 'letter' to the ST Forums but who writes a 4 PAGE LETTER TO A FORUM?? The only greater moron is the one who asked us to do the letter in the first place) on defending porn.

Yea you read right. Defending porn in Singapore. Lol. After many many days of slaving, blood, tears, sweat, brain blocks and coffees late into the night.... I'M FINALLY DONE WITH MY PAPER. Ok la, the above was a gross exageration, but still I worked for it until 3+ last night. No wait. This morning.

Many thanks to Nigel, who is an absolute MWM (I can't wait for the day I can REFERENCE YOU lol) and a darling friend. =D

So doing the paper made me wonks and busy and I MISSED THE LIVE WEBSHOW OF DOLCE AND GABBANA'S SPRING RTW07..!!!! Basket...

And errmm... I finally found my iPod cable so my iPod has been given a much needed update in songs. However, my headphones ave died once again so now my Ipod has new music but I can't listen to any of them. Life's funny innit.

School starts tomorrow and I'm pretty excited.

I think Fabio Cannavaro is so HOT. Pwns Kaka's ass, seriously. Google him and you'll find the infamous nude with soccer ball pic. God he's gorgeous. I'm enjoying worldcup SO MUCH MORE NOW. Heh.

Ok I've officially run out of things to say cos' I've too many things to do. Tata dearies!

I'm looking for you.

I know you're out there. I don't know when I'll find you, or where you'll be. But I have faith

- I'll keep looking.


-------------------------


This weight won't be lifted. I can't shrug it off, for some strange reason. And it's really weird, considering how my life is going really well for the first time in months - I've got everything more or less sorted out and I'm back on track with everything... So why do I feel so heavy? Too tired to cry, and even if those tears did fall, I wouldn't know why they were falling.

Sigh..... Somebody rescue me. I'm calling for someone to save me, please.

The ball the ball - it came and went and normalcy returns.

It was pretty boring, events/performances wise. God the MC was bad. "Hi my name is Rrrrrriccco!" - Yes he even rolled the Rs.

"The type that when birds fly over, they die." And then there were those HORRIBLE dancers that made me vomit in my mouth, and the absurd elderly (I'm not kidding they looked OLD) chinese couple who were doing some or-biang stunts on stage.

So much for Jazz and Swing night, heh. We didn't do much jazzing, or swinging for that matter. (But still, Franck was an excellent teacher.)

The performances were so bad they were good. Lol. Sounds weird? It's like watching a car crash, it's so bad yet you can't take your eyes away, and the horror and awe u feel that something could be SO bad makes you so intrigued. Hahahahaha

Ian was a gentleman, he brought flowers and more importantly the VERVE REMIXED CD for me! *grins* We took a million photos and had quite alot of fun at our table. It was apparent I was one of the wonkiest partners (then again, what to expect since Ian's SO WONKS. In a good way of course heh) and I enjoyed meeting his friends, whose names I've already forgotten and will probably not recognise....

But it was fun! hahahahaha.

I just love prepping for such event - getting my hair done, putting on makeup, slipping on my dress and all that is just so.. princessy. Lol! The night was fun, I got one zebra comment (I KNEW IT'D HAPPEN) and it was super to dress up. Hee!

Reality quickly hit when I reached home to discover my dog's poo on the kitchen floor, just waiting for me to clean. -.-" So much for being a princess that night. Lol.

All in all, a pretty enjoyable night if you ask me. I'm now solidly back on earth, where my work piles and I have to get my Media and Society paper done if not I will DIE.

Not really, but then again. You never know, do you. Ha -

Ok tata dearies, Ms Ling needs to get to her books. OH BUT WAIT. Go check out my friend's photography here. Beautiful and moving, I'm pretty sure they'll inspire you.

Lovelove. X)

It's the 4month anniversary.

I miss him more today than I did the day before.

I've seemed to have moved on quite nicely, haven't I?

I haven't forgotten. I will never forget. I vividly remember that exact moment he passed away. Standing there, looking at him and the stupid monitor that checked his heartbeat go flat..... It was as if time stopped and my heart broke. I remember feeling the SHARP pain that hits you so hard you can't even breathe. I walked out of the room almost immediately. I remember falling to the floor, I remember Jo holding me in her arms while I grieved. I was wearing a plain black top, with my dark denims. Flip flops that I bought from Far East, with my ugly specs on.

I may have begun to move on, but I've certainly not forgotten anything.

He is sorely and seriously missed. The voice I still remember, the warmth of his body when he enveloped me in a hug, the fierce angry stare I inherited, that rich laughter that filled the house during Wednesday nights.

It's Father's Day weekend. It hurts more than usual.

Daddy I love you, don't forget ok.

Ok short post before I go off to sleep. Will expound more tomorrow. Hopefully. If I don't procrastinate... Heh.


I GOT A NEW DRESS FOR THE COMMISSIONING BALL ON SATURDAY!! It's hot, it's retro, and damn I look pretty fine in it. Heh heh. Pretty excited - I even dug up mommy's old pearls. C'mon... It is Jazz/Swing night after all. Lol!

JAMIE CULLUM'S CONCERT WAS AMAZING!!! HIS DRUMMER PLAYED HIS CYMBAL ON MY HEAD... Rofl. Many thanks to the sweetie LeRaine for going down with me, and I think we both agree it was pretty rocking. That man seriously knows jazz. His drummer actually reminds me of some actor... shit cant rmb who! Philip Seymour Hoffman - that's who. Hahaha. But seeing him improvise really reminded me of Deviation. I miss the guys so much - made me realize how talented they really are. Jamie Cullum didn't disappoint. His version of Seven Nation Army and Frontin' were better than the originals, imo. The crowd was pretty rocking, especially after he moved down the aisle to sing. That was sooooo beyond. He really can blow, that dude is brilliant. My only complaint is that HE KISSED THE GIRL BESIDE ME. Omg la. Couldn't he move a few more spaces to kiss ME instead? Still, LeRaine and I managed to squeeze to the front so we got an excellent view of mr.JazzMan playing the piano. He is truly rocking. Well worthy of being called an excellent Jazz Artiste, he is actually pretty cute. Short, but cute. Heh.


I must say for the record though - Jamie Cullum is the Man, but Jason Mraz is a GOD.

Now if only U2 and John Mayer would come to Singapore, I'd be truly content. X) I realize I'm one who's willing to spend on live gigs cos the artiste are really really good live. Their voices shouldnt be squeezed onto albums recorded in studios - they sound so much better live. Jason Mraz, Jamie Cullum, I'm pretty sure Mr.Mayer will sound fab live too. =)

Ok. that's all for now folks, my bed is calling me. Sweet dreams darlings.

In my failed attempts to catch the Brazil vs Croatia soccer match (no guys, the sky is not falling but Sarah thought it would be fun to watch soccer to see what the hoo-ha is all about. Apparently, there's not much hoo-ha cos I fell asleep before first half even ended. The only conclusion I made was that Ronaldino looks remarkably like JarJarBinks. Kel says thats God's way of being fair. If you want to be an awesome player, you have to look like an alien. Rofl.

But I digress.) I woke up today at 11 with my mom asleep beside me. Very strange - because my mom never sleeps in till this late. And the minute I woke up I had a total brain overload (Wil I don't mean it in a surfer dude way). A million questions hit me like a ton of bricks and it was really quite weird. Have you ever gotten that feeling? When you suddenly wake up and WOAH there are a million questions staring at you.

Why is mommy still sleeping?
Will I ever fall in love?
Why is Daddy not here anymore?
What do I wear for the ball on Saturday???
Will mommy ever remarry?
What will I do after school?
Why am I sometimes the only one who bothers maintaining the relationships around me?
Do they care?
Does he care?
Why do I care?
How do I move on?
Will Cornell ever accept me?
WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS LIFE???

I need answers. And I need to go shower cos' today is going to be another busy day. Sigh. Au Revoir.

Xiu Ling, I'm also waiting for the Brazil match. So. Here this is. -.-




-----------1st victim item:INSTRUCTIONS:

1. The tagged victims have to come up with eight different points of his/her perfect lover.

2. Have to mention the gender of his/her perfect lover.

3. Tag either 4/8 other victimes to join this game and leave a comment on their blog.

4. If you are tagged the second time, there's no need to do this AGAIN.

5. Lastly, most importantly,HAVE. FUN. DOING. IT =D#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*

Gender- MALE

1. He has to be hot, and maybe have blue eyes lol
2. He serenades me like Jason Mraz
3. He loves theatre
4. He can make me laugh. Always.
5. He loves Jesus
6. He knows what he wants in life
7. He must be willing to fight for me, but let me have my own freedom
8. He loves me more than i love him

2nd Victim item:INSTRUCTIONS
1. Do the following WITHOUT complaint
#2. Choose 5 person to do this after you completed yours
#3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.
4. Start your post with "I have been tagged!" then do this.

Favourites

Favourite Colour: just one? I like pink. And yellow. And orange. And... hard to choose la!
Food: CHOCOLATE
Favourite Song: atm, it's Snow Patrol's You Could Be Happy
Favourite Movie: LOTR Series.
Favourite Sport: Basketball.
Favourite Day of the Week: T.G.I. FRIDAY
Favourite Season: Summer. I hate having to wear layers upon layers. I like sun tanning.
Favourite Ice Cream: Coffee Haagen Daaz

Currents

Current Mood: Nostalgic
Current taste: Sweet with a tinge of bitterness.
Current Clothes: Forever 21 dress. Trying it on for this saturday and am too lazy to change out of it. lol.
Current Desktop:Linux - Kill Bill (Gates)
Current Toenail Colour:Black. I'm so goth wannabe baby.
Curent Time: 1.53 in the morning
Current Surroundings: on my bed. With my doggy just beside me.
Current Annoyances: That itch on my leg.
Current Thoughts: Kiss Me Quick....


First

First Best Friend: Never did have one but my first friend would have to be Charleney Ong. Lol
First Crush: Does Brad Pitt count? =D
First Movie: Jurassic Park
First Lie: I vaguely remember telling my mom I never knew what pop music was cos she thought it was evil at the time and I was only 6. Rofl
First Music: If I Were A Rich Man - Fiddler On The Roof. My daddy used to sing it to me before I went to sleep

Lasts

Last Cigarette: Never had one doubt I ever will.
Last Drink: SugarCane Juice with lemon. At ChompChomp.
Last Car Ride: Just, my sister drove me home.
Last Crush: Heh. Now wouldn't you like to know.
Last Movie: X-Men
Last Phone Call: Called Irene to ask where she was.
Last CD played: CD? Hmmm. Lauryn Hill's Unplugged Vsn 2.0

Have you ever

Have you ever dated one of your best friend: Yes, unfortunately
Have you ever broken the law: Yes
Have you ever been arrested: No.
Have you ever skinny-dipped: Yes
Have you ever been on TV: Yes
Have you ever kissed someone you dont know: Yes

5 things you are wearing:
Contact Lenses, Dress, Mascara, Bra, Undies. =D
4 things you done today:
Lazed in bed till 11.30, Drank Coffee, Ate Chocolate, Talked To Nigel
3 things you can hear right now:
The TV, Jason Mraz, Kel talking on the phone
1 thing you do when you are bored:
Come online and websurf.

All good things must come to an end.

Good things like the amazing last 5 days with Deviation. I totally adored every single day - it was so surreal. Working with them, being in theatre and percussions was so, so fun. I've made a whole bunch of new friends, become alot more theatrical, and fallen in love with the French (or at least with these particular bunch of guys haha).

Unfortunately, my knowledge of French is still nonexistent. Oh wells. At least I know what CDS I want to take next semester. =D

The last night of our performance was bittersweet. Bitter - I didn't want everything to end, yet sweet because I was proud of myself for doing all this.

It felt so good to perform. And meet new people, and practice. And laugh and do silly things. And learn how to Swing from Franck... And I could go on for a long time more.

Kudos to Sabrina, the amazing person who coordinated everything since last June. One whole year's work has paid off and I'm so happy for you that it was such a success.

Thank you all who participated in the event, especially Deviation, for giving me 5 days I'm unlikely to forget.

Je'taime.....

I CAN'T HELP BUT DROOL!!

I mean, how often is it you get an ultra hot FRENCH to sing a Spanish love song to you? I am so swooning as I type, that boy is BEYOND.

I just read Bergdorf Blondes, you see. Lol.

And correction, not boy, all MAN. Who makes me swoon and gush and wax lyrical because he has beautiful eyes. And he looks semi Calvin Klein Model-ish when he doesn't smile and 'broods'. It's SO ADORABLE to see him go gaga over trees because apparently, France isn't a big fan of having too much greenery.

But damn he's fine. JUST BEYOND.

Deviation is amazing, I just love the random things they do to make me giggle like wonks. Franc (I have no idea how to spell their names) is the most random, he just walks to me suddenly and blows at my hair, or does the most random things. BUT ITS SO FUNNY! Hahahaha. And then there's Olivier, and Nicola, and Leo... Plus the rest who have seriously french names I can't spell. Lol. All funny, all cute - I'm really enjoying myself. Plus, Hab is adorable and today on the train I was so high she looked so horrified la. So funny hahaha.


I'm loving it, SO excited to be performing tomorrow. I simply cannot wait. =D Lovelove!

Music is a universal language. So are emotions - you don't need to understand French to realize a French is pissed and scolding someone. Join them together and voila!

You get Deviation, a French percussions group, and a bunch of Singaporean youth mixed together, having tons of fun. I'm totally loving the workshops and everything - I truly truly enjoy drama. It's so enjoyable the time just flies.

It's funny cos' everyone from Deviation speaks french and only smatterings of English, so it's extremely difficult to communicate. But that's what makes it truly funny - how a bunch of us can somehow click even though we don't speak the same language. We need a translator communicating for us and even then it's sometimes hard to understand or get our message across. But I'm loving it anyway. X)


-----


060606 was superb. Just sitting at MOS talking rubbish and having fun together was fantastic. Plus, all four of us are the perfect group of neo print takers. We are SUCH EXPERTS LA. "Okok change position now! SWOP PLACE SWOP PLACE!" Before the camera starts counting down we're already in position and ready for the photo. Lol.

I love the comfortable-ness of our group. There is such a bond between us that goes deeper than words. I love just walking around and talking to them. We don't need major activities, just seeing each other and being able to TALK is such a comfort. I don't need to pretend to be anything or anyone, and we can be totally honest. I simply heart them. X)

Ok. I'm gonna have a long day tomorrow and I NEED TO SLEEP. Nights sweeties.

Random Random Ramblings.

- I'M MEETING MY DARLINGS IN A FEW HOURS!!!!

*excited* It's like meeting your long lost friends after 10 years 8 months 24 days 14 hours and 8 minutes of seperation.... and counting.

Lol.

- My paper today was good - I actually knew what to write, which is ALWAYS good.

- I miss DJing.

- I want to learn hosting. BOSS TEACH ME!!

- Joie is the cutest girl in CHC. Plus, she's my passport to everywhere that usually needs a tag hahahaha. I miss her like crazy, she's so affectionate and loving it just warms my heart to see her. Plus all her silly antics like running up and down. The best thing I've heard from her so far is "My daddy's name is not teo poh heng... my daddy's name is bro poh." lol.

- Going for my member's commissioning ball next week and AH I NEED A DRESS!!! JIU MING AH!!

- I chopped my long locks off.. unintentionally. I'm too traumatised to elaborate further.

- Tomorrow I'll be going for this percussion workshop at Tampines. Wish me luck. =D

EMERGE!!!!

Don't submerge.


Fabulous fabulous fabulous. That's all I can say about the conference. Loved every minute, every day, loved coming home with presence. This year I liked the hype, but I simply loved the presence. Couldn't wait for worship to start, and couldn't wait for pastor to preach. Strip off all the Superstar performances and I'd still be extremely satisfied. God is so amazing. Next year I want to be more involved. Next year, I prophesy to myself, I'll be involved in more.

X)

So apparently, after you become a christian and you love God more, life gets harder. When you want to consecrate yourself, the hottie you've been drooling at immediately walks by and notices you. A million things start to distract you. It seems that the universe conspires against you being more committed to Him. And when you finally get committed, all hell breaks loose. Thats the funny thing, life gets more challenging, you go through more rubbish sometimes... But gold is purified through fire see.


Tomorrow is my Media and Society test. I'm going to be a student of excellence.

I love my Jesus so I'm going to change. Happy X)

Today is a GOOD DAY!

Forgiveness is a funny thing, you don't do it for anyone but yourself. To seek forgiveness for the stuff you did to a person you are WAITING to forgive, takes quite alot. But so well worth it if you ask me. In the end I'm the one who's healed and happy.

Yayness. X)

This time I want it to be real. Not emotion filled, although emotions are good - but something I say because I mean it and I want it. It will happen this time.

Change needs to happen. I need to get out of this rut I've been in and now I'm going to do something about it. All I need is courage.

--

So I'm supposed to be sleeping but too excited to sleep. The first session of Emerge ended a couple of hours ago and it was mind blowing. I've heard most of the message before, and have gone through too many conferences to still be influenced by the hype - but today I realize that its not about how cool they play it, but it all depends on me. Some other person might have found it boring - but I think it was radical. All because I changed my mindset and attitude.

Everything can be the same, but when looked at from another perspective... WHOAH... Things are so drastically different. The effects garnered are different.

The last few weeks have been trying.. I've been fighting battles in myself, with what to do and how to live. I think its high time I stepped out of this mediocrity I've been so comfortable in and begin to stretch. And today is just the.. PUSH to tell me to just stop being so whiny and start making changes. They aren't easy, they're quite painful in fact. But if I ever want to move on and really have change, I need to do it. I need to overcome this. Not for anyone but for myself.


If I sound wonks, thats because its 1.25 in the morning, and it's been a long and exciting day. And probably because I'm not bothering to form my sentences right. Haha. Anyway.

I love Jesus so I'm going to change.