(overdue) Musings.

Marketing tutorial was extremely different this week. I adore marketing tutorials because Mr. Toh is an absolute genius to learn from. He's the only one who really seems to know his shit, and he actually reminds me alot of my father. The way he fondly talks about his daughter, or how he makes class extremely interesting with his random trivia - just like how Daddy used to be. Anyway. We were supposed to write this crappy press release about some crappy thing (an enviromentally friendly Hyundai car, if I remember correctly) and while the whole class was whining about not wanting to do it, our conversation suddenly evolved to how extremely apathetic we are.

Apparently, Mr. Toh had heard on a radio forum a debate going on about how poly students were ignorant and apathetic as compared to JC students. Although unfortunately, I must admit that there are many poly students who are ignorant, it doesn't give anyone the right to just generalize. And JC students out there, there is no correlation between knowing about world affairs (GP) and being active (politically, socially, etc). But I digress. So, we as a class started talking about how apathetic we were, and Mr. Toh started throwing out really thought provoking questions.

"What would you do - possible or otherwise - if you had two minutes left to live?"

And the conversation continued, we strayed from Marketing and talked about life. This (dying) world. How consumerism will eventually cause our destruction (sound so Armegeddon huh) and why on earth we are such apathetic and unhappy people. I sat there feeling small and insignificant, alone and generally depressed that the world's so screwed up. People die every minute, and yet all I obsess about is what grade I get for my next assignment, or whether I get into That School.

I have no cure for aids, or the guinea worm, but I do believe that I will be able to make a difference. Not now, but give me a few years. I might not be capable of much at this very present time, but in just a few years, I will be. That's why I strive to study There, and excel in work. I believe in everyone is the desire to excel, and subsequently make a difference. I am not called to mediocrity, I am called to excellence. And yea I know I'm ranting... it's late you see.


Kids say the darnest things, don't they? They are untainted, entirely mouldable and not damaged in any way. Joie is the cutest 5 year old to ever exist. Her extreme love for people (read: jiejieSarah) is just so... Let's just say she makes a very bad day look good. I am such a sucker for kids. I love them and just doing silly things with them makes me feel happy haha. The best moment I've had with her so far? Just two minutes after I'd left her house, she called me and said "Harnoe (don't ask me why it's harNoe) jiejieSarah. I need to tell you something. I miss you, you know."

She melts my heart.


Speaking of heart melting, I am so glad to have Bern as my boss because he is simply fabulous. He's sick, but he stills placed cellgroup as priority, and when I'm just SO TIRED and stressed and worn out, he's there to listen. And let me get everything that needs to come out, out. I tell him of my recent (unwarranted) fears, and he just listened. I am so thankful to have Bern and Jo as leaders.


Goodnight, world. Tomorrow is Pst. Mike and it's da sao chu day. I'm excited. X)

The further I try to run, the faster it catches up with me. I'm attached to a rubber band, so just when I think I'm over you, I get pulled back to Square One and I have to restart. It's as if there's this limit to how fast and how much I can move on and everytime I reach a certain point where I think I am over you, I see your face and realise that I'm not.

It takes me more than a week to get over just bumping into you for 5 seconds. I'm reduced to an emotional moron when it comes to you. But you don't read this blog, you don't care anymore. There's just dancing. I wonder whether I miss you, or miss the things we did. Because we left everything the way we did, there was no closure and now I'm still harping on the fact that this heart of mine's been broken and I can't get over it. Dammit, you even make me melodramatic. Today is one of those days I want you here, but you're too far gone. But it's just today.

We all have those moments, don't we? When Those days come, Those feelings and questions and insecurities that you don't normally face just come hit you square in the face. The fears you normally brush off suddenly seem bigger and more menacing than usual. So it's no longer about brushing it off or swallowing it down like awful phlegm.

I need to get it all out today.

I fear that when I die, nobody will bother cos' I haven't impacted anyone that much. I will just be that girl who could have but didn't. I fear nobody will grieve like how people grieved at my father's funeral.

I fear that the closest of friends I have don't need me. I'm merely an ornament, an extra part of their life thats just.. there.

I fear not fulfilling my dreams of going to That School to study, of not acing this course and making Them proud.

The worst fear to me, is not being needed. I need to be needed. More than just being loved, I need to feel that I'm somehow important in someone's life. That's why I secretly feel happy (not in a perverse way) when you talk to me in the middle of the night and emo out to me, Derek. Or when you send me emails that has 'privileged' information, Nigel. Or when my dear Siew Ling, you sit and cry in front of me. It makes me feel that some people would be devastated if I'm not around.

Sigh, I'm moody. I blame him. And the fact that national day is coming. Gah

ATTENTION, Beautiful People who read my blog!!

I am in dire need of your help for my marketing project and it would be amazing if you could do a survey for me. Just click on the different parts in consecutive order and PLEASE DON'T SKIP QUESTIONS! My marketing grade depends on you. YOU HAVE ZEE POWER TO SAVE ME. So go ahead, click away.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Many thanks, my lovelies. X)

Band Aid Covers the Bullet Hole. I just LOVE Grey's Anatomy. So much, that I'm buying season 2 from eBay so I can indulge all day long in 27 episodes of it. Woohoo!

My life has been insanely busy, I've had no time to do anything much other than what I need to do. Work, more work.. WHO EVER SAID POLY IS FUN?!

I'm sounding semi grouchy cos' I have two project deadlines looming ominously ahead. Tres depressing, I say. The last week has been interesting (bought myself new shoes today and they are very comfortable. Puma, cool, but oddly enough, PINK. Don't get me wrong. I like pink, but I've never been one to see myself with pink shoes. Doesn't mean they aren't hot, though. =D) and a million things have happened that I'm too lazy to blog about.

There are always those moments that are semi memorable, and its up to you to decide if you want to record it down. The half funny antics (like a colleague sniffing an (unused) tampon two weeks ago cos' he thought it was a sweet lol) that I just can't be bothered to put down. Or those moments like sitting at the Mushroom for over 2 hours talking to Siew Ling about life and love last week. Gah I'm lazy.

The next few weeks will be ultra busy (exhibition, Cabaret, working, church..) and I'm starting to feel like a headless chicken. Guess its called growing up, heh.

I'm still trying to find a way to coordinate this Saturday's schedule. I have work from 10 - 4, some Suntec exhibition my mom wants me to go to that ends at 6, and Cabaret at 8. I will have no time to look nice after work and exhibition. Faints.

I'm nostalgic. This year will be the first year you won't be there to catch fireworks with me, and I'll miss that. We had a mini tradition going on, and now it's gone. I wonder if you miss it at all.


My bed misses me. I need to sleep.

The inaugural youtube post. Just start falling over and bowing to your computer cos' this 11 year old can SING.



... And to think I was singing Nsync songs in the toilet when I was her age.

Here's a quickie before I rush off to work (hopefully there won't be stories to tell of crabby customers when I get back). A few random thoughts I just want to put down on paper first.

- There are always those defining moments in a friendship. The real shit about bonding. Talking beyond the weather and really opening up. And the best part is that it comes naturally and after the whole conversation, you go "Wow" cos' that wasn't an everyday conversation. I'm really closed about telling people how I feel, if you haven't already figured that out. To get words like "I'm not ok.. I feel hurt" out of my mouth is like trying to make me vomit a bus. The words get stuck and I just shrug it off for another time. But then when I finally take a leap of faith and open up, it's real comforting to know that I have a safety net of friendship and I don't just fall flat to the ground.

So the whole paragraph above is for you, my dear Siew Ling. Turns out we were right about each other from the beginning huh. =D

- Have you ever had moments that left you in shock? The out of body moments, when you hear words you never thought would be uttered. And even though the person tries to do damage control after, the damage's already been done. The heart's been bruised, the spirit wounded. And you stand there, post trauma, trying to figure everything out. Sometimes you want to pretend like the words were never heard... but it doesn't work that way.



Oh wells. Off to work. Toodles!

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

- W. H. Auden


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There comes a time when I need to grieve again. To stare at the photographs and reminisce of the old days. To cry till my eyes are dry. Jesus said he'll be the father to the fatherless, and I still can't believe I'm in that category. Fatherless. So while I have a new dad who's taking care of me, I need to mourn for the man who taught me to discover Jesus Christ. The man whom my first word was for. Dada

It's that time again. In 5 days, it will be the 5th month anniversary of his death and I feel the all familiar pain coming back. The guilt I hold for not having spent more time with him when he was sick floods in and I'm just left to feel utter grief. I can't believe it's already 5 months. It's been almost half a year and yet I keep thinking it was sometime last week or something.

So whoever said the pain goes away and the memory becomes distant was obviously talking bull.

I still occasionally think it's him coming home when I hear the door unlock. The words "Hi Daddy I missed you today." are at the tip of my tongue and then I realise. It's not him. There are times I think I've heard his voice saying "Xiao Mei, you're daddy's xin gan bao bei", all in cantonese of course. I've heard laughters similar to his and for a second I let myself believe it's my father's voice.

I have faith I will see you again, daddy, BUT WHEN!?!?!? Can you hear my frustration and agony..?? WHEN?????? I hate this whole I have to die before I finally meet with you thing. Of all the things I miss the most, I miss your voice. The strong clear voice you had the commanded the attention of all who were in the room. The charisma you had and the character you'd built. You were so articulate and captivating... Your stories never failed to amuse and delight.

I miss our conversations. The ones we had in the middle of the night when you came to tuck me in. Especially the ones when you told me about how you grew up and how you knew mommy was the woman for you. I always asked you what you did to convince a woman to leave her country, family and home to be with you. I loved your stories, all of them.

I miss your food, I even miss the quarrels we had. Because after every vicious fight you'd tell me that you loved me. That you loved me. And you'd do something special to make up for it- like bring me out for supper, or just go for a walk with me.

I miss you, most of all. Ling Oai Loon, the best dad in the world, the most loving husband I've seen, the man I want my future boyfriend to be like. (I guess if he has to measure up to you, it'll take me eons to find a boyfriend haha) The man people loved, the person who taught me integrity and what loving Jesus really is. I still read the letter you wrote me and daddy all I can say is that it's hard. It's really hard. I'm trying but there are days I feel so overwhelmed by everything.

I love you. Always have always will. Don't forget that ok.

Writing is about discipline. Capturing that moment and emotion onto paper, as it's still fresh in your memory. When the smells still linger in your nostrils and the sights are still vivid in your mind. Procrastinate, and then it's gone. It'll be hard to capture that moment accurately. The excitement wears off, the moment has passed and there's one less account of a very brilliant day, or some paradigm shift you got.

I have been procrastinating and letting the moments pass me by. More often than I'd like to admit, quite frankly. So here's my attempt at condensing my thoughts and actions of the past few days into one most likely long and rather random post.


ITALY WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FABIO CANNAVARO I LOVE YOU!!!! YOU'RE SUCH A GODLIKE DEFENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kudos to you too, Buffon. Especially when you saved that header Zidane made... But I don't love you because you look slimy and you've never modelled for Armani. =p So last night (or early this morning rather), the cg camped at Clarke Quay to watch soccer and damn it was SUPERB! So worth it because the atmosphere there was awesome and the game was good. Italy's defence is AMAZING, I tell you. The game was interesting and controversial enough to keep hearts racing and adrenaline high. (Sidenote: Although the whole world is talking about it, I have to ask - WHAT MADE ZIDANE HEADBUTT MATERAZZI?? What on earth did Materazzi say to make Zidane lose his cool (and sanity) despite it being his very last match and the end of his career?? Curious.. Very curious....) The penalty shoot outs were heart stopping (taking into account Italy's record of not being very good at penalty shoot outs) and I was SO ESTATIC when Grosso kicked the last ball in. The elation was such a rush! And maybe my boss will increase my pay. =D


Work has been excellent (not just because of the money.... only partly because of the money heh) and I'm actually really enjoying myself. Despite the crappy crabby customers (who strangely all are female) and all the running around during a very busy Saturday night when we're seriously shorthanded, it's really fun. Takes my people skills to a whole new level - I mean, I can even smile at someone when what I really feel like doing is lace the moronic woman's food with a combination of rat poison, laxatives and nitroglycerine. Not bad aye? I've quickly come to realise that the richest people are also the nicest people and that the hardest bunch to deal with is the typical middle-class Singaporean who thinks she's so high and mighty just because she can afford an Italian restaurant. *rolls eyes* And it's so true. Customer A carried 2 platinum VERTU phones (God knows why he needs two) and he was such a nice guy to me. Didn't rush me and actually bothered to say thank you. A vast difference compared to Customer #$%^&*( who was so whiny and nasal and totally RANDOM.

"Why haven't you helped me change my plates yet??"
"Sorry ma'am, there's still pizza left of your plate so I didn't want to disturb you"
"Well can you please clear it now."

And as I proceed to clear it, she quickly grabs the remnants of pizza from her plate and glares at me. RANDOM AND SO INSANE I TELL YOU. Damn, just two days of work and so many new encounters with different people. I can start my own waitress rant, I say. All in all, I'm earning an insane amount of $$ and I'm very happy.

I have changed drastically over the last few months, haven't I? I won't have dreamed of working part time, or not asking for allowance anymore - I'm honestly quite proud of myself. The ability to release my mom from the responsibility of giving me an allowance is extremely satisfying, in some weird way. It's not just about paying for my own clothes and salon jobs, but about supporting myself. Feels good. =)

My brochure turned out brilliantly and I'm really happy with it. Can't tell you how much I wish we never had to do Essential Graphics or Graphic Design Fundamentals ever again. But there's alot of satisfaction in doing a nice piece of work and seeing the finished product. A sense of accomplishment, if you will. Hopefully kwee hoon recognizes my hard work and appreciates my design. In the mean time, I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

And... damn I'm really tired already haha. Want to blog more but my eyes getting heavy and fingers are tired. After all, I reached home at 6+ this morning and only got 4 hours of sleep. It basically means that in the last 48 hours I've only slept abt 9 hours and now I'm dead beat man.

More soon, my lovelies. =D

God is real.

GO ITALY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D Yay Germany players can go home..... to their towns. Rofl. The match was SO insanely exciting. Heart stopping, even. I was praying so hard that they wouldn't have to go into penalty shoot outs and THEY MIRACULOUSLY SCORED 2 GOALS at the very end of the match.

God is real.

Jason Mraz is proof. I've just found an amazing live recording of a concert he did in May. IT'S THE BEST CONCERT I'VE EVER HEARD FROM HIM IN MY LIFE. And I've listened to MANY concerts (courtesy of archive.org) so trust me, I know what I'm talking about. You And I Both is sooo brilliant. Reminded me of the one he did at the Esplanade... Just listening to his voice now on my speakers is making float on a cloud of Mraz... I'm devastated my beloved Jason is not coming down to Singapore again. Dammit! He's going down to Australia, why can't he stop by Singapore after that??? Oh wells. James remember to scream what I told you ok... Lol

Yesterday the chums (minus Xiu Ling) went out for dinner and Ying Ling joined us. I quized her like wonks (maciam interrogation rofl) and I'm pretty sure she's no cockroach. I'm hoping so... Ah, as long as Mr Wang is happy and she's not insanely possesive I'm fine. It was fun though. For the first time, Li Xian looked normal and she had really STRAIGHT hair.

God is so real. Lol.

"Would you like to have some iced water first?"


Got a job at this superb Italian restaurant and my first day was.. interesting. I've never done something like that before and in my co-workers' eyes I'm probably the most pampered one in the group (something I don't deny) but hey, at least I work to get my fabulous True Religion jeans. I do believe I have the right to enjoy such clothes and be a label snob if I pay for my clothes myself. At least I don't go running to mommy asking her to pay for the things I want, unlike most of the people my age.

But I digress.

The restaurant is fabulous and despite me being a huge kantang (another label I quickly acquired at the job. Despite my protestations of how I'm the most chinese speaking person in school [not that CMM really counts for much lol] and how I got a distinction for Chinese oral last year [the angels were singing], I'm now ms. Kantang. sigh), the people are actually pretty nice. Vastly different from me, most of them can't be bothered with the education system and are street smart. It was a mini eye-opener to meet people who are proud to have dropped out of school at 15. After all, majority of my friends are.... like me. We study, we have dreams of university and we all want to be high fliers.

I'm not saying that the other way of life is a bad choice to make, but I can never imagine leading my life that way. It's too different for me..! I take comfort in my books and studying and getting good grades... While they are happy living for their bike races etc.

Anyway, I actually enjoyed running around doing stuff for people - much better than having to sit in a stuffy office keying pages of numbers into a computer. It was fun talking to people and making them feel comfortable with the place. Plus! I got my very first tip on my very first day! It was sweettttt. Heh heh. =D

Ok, duty calls and I'm off to save my bed from loneliness. Au Revoir!

Everybody has a 'thorn in the flesh' to live with. Everybody. No matter how kind and patient and loving you are, there is definitely someone you see that irks you to the very core. It's not so much of hate or dislike that stems from fear or some weird feeling (I'm unsuccessfully trying to explain myself here.. Ok for example you dislike someone because you're jealous but no this isn't that type of dislike), but rather the dislike for something irritating. Take a cockroach, for example. Or green peas. They've not really done much to irritate you, but they still do. Know what I mean?

But we all deal with it. No matter how irksome and utterly immature some of them are, we learn how to deal. And while honestly deep down we realise we can never be totally indifferent to that 'thorn in your flesh' - 'pain in your ass', 'moronic twit'.. or whatever you like to call it - you don't let them bother you as much. Despite how some of them love button-pushing and time and again test the limits of your niceness, you rise above it.

Although once in a while we do have the urge to squash those buggers completely and crazy glue them to bedsheets......


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LOMO LOMO LOMO!!! Ian, Sam and I went down to the Arts House to play with LOMOs today. We walked around cityhall area acting like total tourists (taking photos of tourists taking photos, rofl) and enjoying ourselves. I actually am starting to enjoy photography. As it turns out, I have great potential to work in the paparazzi bizness Sam, it was brilliant. And don't worry I'm not gonna post that picture of you scratching your butt. =D

On to other matters, did you know why Superman needs to wear such tight lycro (apart from showing his washboard pecs)? Apparently, his shield of invulnerability only extend to 2mm from his skin. (I can hear the collective *oohhhhhhh* going around haha) That's why when they shoot bullets at him, his costume doesn't tear. The movie was very good and I loved it. Especially cute little boy who has such EMO PUNK hair! Ah.. Unconventionally handsome (no blond hair or blue eyes) but damn that kid will grow up to be a heartbreaker someday. Lex Luther was a pathetic villain (but then again he's supposed to be) but I loved his not blonde dumb blonde. Lol.

"Errr... Like sea monkeys?"

Go catch Superman if you haven't. It's definitely more entertaining than Silent Hill... but lets not go into that.


Ok. England vs. Portugal match is gonna start soon and I want to make my drinks etc. =D I shan't even go into how disappointed I was when Argentina lost. Sigh... It's a broken down world after all. The great injustice done was... Bleargh. Oh wells. PORTUGAL ALL THE WAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Tata darlings. X)