I'm, I'm over-joyed, and I'm, I'm over-loved.
And I'm feeling lucky like a little boy
Who's hiding under cover and looking to discover
Every way to play the part inside this darkened cave.
The meaning of life, well it starts at the nightlight.
Close your eyes and I hope you see mine.

And I've, well I've seen a thousand things in one place
But I stopped my counting when I saw your face.
Erasing memory, well I feel as though I've never seen a face before
Until I saw your eyes.
And they're smiling back at me through my tears.
I've been counting all these years, oh -

Suddenly the thousand things I've seen
Were nothing more than dreams of, of you and me.
You and me quietly at a standstill now.
Fortunately you will, well you'll kiss me,
And I will, I will kiss you back.

Suddenly the thousand things I've seen were nothing more than dreams of you and me.


Unfortunately I'm not as talented as Mr Mraz, who soothes my heart and calms my mind and makes me believe through his music that love still exists in this messed up world we live in every single time I play his song, 1000 Things. (:

I never have word constipation. Words are the only way I am able to express myself fully. People see me through the things I say, the thoughts I type - without them you would not know me as well as you should/probably could have. I don't dance, I don't play any instruments, the words are what I have.

Today though, seems to be a day where the words get stuck in the back of my throat and I feel like nothing is coming out the way it should. So today I'm writing what comes to mind. No vetting, no drafts, nothing.

----


I was halfway through typing this long whiny bitchy post about how my life is miserable and everything sucks when suddenly it hit me - I am such a big fat hyprocrite.

Just yesterday I was telling Ler how happiness is a choice, not just an emotion. Sure, it's great when you're happy because something good happens; but being happy because you choose to not be negative is harder than it sounds. The choice itself requires action - a decision must be made. Most of the time people are unhappy simply because they don't choose to be happy. They don't choose anything. The lack of the decision leaves them status quo - being not happy. And that sucks. Letting your emotions rule you, instead of ruling them. Yet I was being this whiny unhappy immature teen who was waiting for her friends to cheer her up.

So what to do when you're feeling disgustingly insecure and horrible ennui-ed? Praise. When the circumstances seem shitty and there's this cumulus nimbus constantly hovering over my head, PRAISE. The 'In spite of', 'Despite all' type of praise to a God that was so awesomely wonderful and witty and smart to have created us to not only exist, but to enjoy our existence as well. Because when you really think about it, there is much to be thankful to Him for, and even more to be happy about. The oxygen you breathe, the life you have, the life I have, colour, humour (wouldn't it suck if we weren't wired to appreciate humour? lol), friends, soulmates, family... And I'm just skimming the top of the barrel.

Gosh even as I type I feel better haha. Ok, off to bed then. There are no classes tomorrow, and I have cell group on. Hurrah!

Thanks Pst. Phil. (:

Brain Picking, Part Deux.

-- I'm back from Bangkok and in all honesty, there's nothing much to tell. The trip was extremely fruitful (jeans, tees, spags, skirts, etc.etc.etc.), the Marriott Resort Hotel was really nice and my feet still hurt from all the walking. Oh, that and the fact that I was really tempted to smuggle a small puppy back from the weekend market there. I love the bargaining and I find their language fascinating (what with the 'ka's and all). Speaking of... I realized that you will never find a macho sounding Thai guy. It's just impossible to sound like Arnold Scharzennegger (pardon the lack of a better example, but "I'll be back" keeps repeating in my ears :/) when your language lilts in such a manner. Add in all the 'ka's and its almost definite they all sound girlish. No wonder there are so many..... Nevermind.

-- The first day of school was excellent. It doesn't hurt to have an extremely slack semester where there are days I go down to school for a mere 2 hours. Classes were expectedly boring, but I am looking forward to photography tutorials and FRENCH CLASSES. (Nigel, shut up. I know what you're thinking and what you want to say but Don't. And don't roll your eyes either. Lol) Plus, Mrs Nah is going to be my tutor for Persuasive Comm - hurrah!!! She sounds like the best of the whole lot, imho. Happy happy joy. Hmmm.. what else. I have missed school food and hanging out with the girls. All fun fun.

-- I would never go out with a guy who is ungentlemanly. NEVER. A guy who doesn't know proper etiquette and manners - like walking a girl to the MRT station because its late at night - simply turns me off. It's the least you could do, and even if the both of you have just met... Gah, Singaporean men. Germs, as Mrs Nah so aptly calls them.

-- This has been a sucky filler, I know. I'll update soon. Or at least I'll try to.

I'm leaving for Bangkok tomorrow (goodbye haze, hello SPAs and massages and really fun shopping. =D) and I won't be blogging for another 6 days so here's another post to ensure my blog won't be taken away by some undertaker. This post exists also because my sweet, woffly, short tongued soulmate - the very one who thought United 93 was based on a fictional story - was whining about the fact that I didn't blog about our amazing slumber party and I really need to shut her up. =D

So. Zee slumber party, held in honour of Ler's birthday (and Siew's really belated birthday) was TRES fun. I've never had a slumber party so geeky and nerdy in my life, neither have I had one that was as cool. We watched Meet Joe Black (the obvious choice, seeing that we're 3 teenage girls and Brad Pitt looks so hot in it), played Scrabble and Boggle (I KICKED THEIR ASSES HAHAHA) and talked ourselves silly. Highlights of the evening were probably when Ler couldn't stop waxing lyrical over Claire Forlani and Brad Pitt all throughout the show (I've never seen Ler gush that way before, EVER), and Siew finding Brad Pitt's death - being hit by two vehicles - so hilarious she couldn't stop guffawing, and us talking about our flaws, our strengths and life in general.

The other days during my blog hiatus were spent travelling down to Vivocity with darlings Derek and Xiu Ling where we walked around a half closed mall, willing our eyes not to close. Gorilla masks were tried on (I kept thinking of the Gilmore Girl ep in season 5 where Rory finds out about the Life and Death Brigade... but nevermind, you probably won't know what I'm talking about unless you are a fat fan of GG like I am. If you do happen to be a big fat fan, TALK TO ME) at Toys'R'Us and 'noodles' used as oversized light sabers in a duel to death between Derek and I. All in all, it was good fun because I spent time with my darlings, something I haven't had time to do for a while now.

I hate being busy with stupid things like running errands or doing things you don't really like to do but have to do. It seems like my life is filled with things I have to get done, even though I don't really feel like doing them at all. It sucks, I tell you. So I spend my days running around doing stupid things, and coming home tired and not even being able to remember what I did during the day. -.-""

Can't wait for school to reopen... I WANT TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHY CLASSES!!! Heard that the coming semester is the free-est, slackest, most enjoyable semester ever. HURRAY!

Ok. End of silly post. Hope you're happy my dearest Short Tongued Siew. (:

Baggage.

Everyone carries it. Suitcases full of past experiences you are unable to let go of. The older we grow, the more luggage we accumulate. From the small hand carry bag you started with a few years ago, you are now the proud owner of so many Samsonite luggage bags that you'd need a small army of bellboys.

Pain? Check.
Anger? Check.
WhatIfs? Check.
Heartache? Check.
Remorse? Check.
Hurt? Check.

And usually, the biggest luggage bag is left for Regret. For the words that were said and the things that were done. For the words we left out, and the things we forgot to do. Regret lingers along with the consequences of the bad decision made like a really stinky fart that stays behind even after the culprit's left.

So for every piece of luggage you have, the more tired you become. All the weight leaves you weary, cautious, heavy ladden and (my personal favourite), scary and damaged.

I recently had a conversation with a really good friend who is suffering from baggage overload. And the similarities between the both of us shocked me for a while, because just a few weeks ago, I was more or less like him - Scary and damaged, but unable to let go. He couldn't forgive someone, I couldn't forgive myself. Wounds were raw, cuts were deep.


I'm different now.

Because for the first time in a long time, I've been able to leave my baggage behind and walk on. No more heavy lugging, the weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I finally gained closure to my past and boy oh boy did it feel fabulous (It still does, actually).

I look back to how I was and now feel new. Refreshed, and much less scary and damaged then I can remember. In all honesty, it feels rather strange because I have forgotten what its like to be so... whole. It sounds weird, I know, but it's true. I haven't been able to look back in the past without feeling an intense sense of sorrow but now I don't feel the pain anymore. I'm looking forward and moving on, without any baggage.

It's not that I'm no longer me, or that I am suddenly this happy, cheery, perky, woffly (STS I'm thinking of you as I type haha) person now. I'm still very much the same, cynical, oddly pessimistic, dark and twisty me... but now it's because I choose to be. I am no longer hurt. And I feel amazing.

The transition from scary and damaged came when I received my reply (from the letter I was talking about in the previous post) and finally got my closure. Proper closure that sewed up my wounds and helped my heart heal.I was able to walk away from my past without any more regrets and I could actually forgive myself for my past idiocy.

It helped that I have this amazing Father in heaven who was there with me when I was beyond myself. He forgave me when I was unable to forgive myself, dressed the wounds in my heart that otherwise would never have healed, and carried me when I fell. He's my comforter, my very present help in time of need. A truly awesome God whom I can proudly call Abba. Because of Him, I could fully let go of all the buggage I'd been holding on to. For all He's done I'm beyond thankful.


I'm finally travelling light.

Brain Picking.

-- Thursdays are best spent with friends at a boardgame cafe (and hello Ms. Just Had Beginner's Luck for Ticket to Ride, you are talking to The expert Taboo player.) in the afternoon and at a fabulous Mediterranean restaurant with fantastic company where throwing plates is a ritual in the nights.

Fabulous restaurants would suck if I didn't have some really cool friends.

Some friends you meet once or twice in a year, and that's enough. Too much would be like eating blue cheese everyday, overpowering and soon nauseating. I'm not saying that the company isn't fabulous. We're a weird pair together (considering our large age difference) but I've long ago realized that maturity does not come with age, but the constant desire (and subsequent actions) to be better. It's amazing we can have excellent conversation (far better than the many mindless ones I've had the last couple of weeks) even though we are at completely different stages of our lives.

-- If the 'scariest day' of someone's life is watching a stranger have an epileptic fit, then he or she must live a terribly sheltered existence. Or not gone through much pain, and fear, perhaps. So maybe that's why people can be so different. We all come from totally different backgrounds and levels. Maybe people are not to blame for their ignorance and 'sheltered-ness', but then again if it's because of this very ignorance that make their behaviour intolerable and their words seem shallow.... Ah I'm rambling. Such people aren't worth thinking too long about.

-- Putting words on paper make your thoughts tangible. The words might not make up the next Romeo and Juliet, or War and Peace, but they make your thoughts real. In the form of those various squiggly lines, in the form of your horribly small squeasy handwriting where you forget to cross the 'T's or dot the 'I's, those thoughts and feelings become real.

Nobody writes letters now a days. They're too hard to write, they seem too messy. But somehow... Putting things down on pen and paper make it more tangible than typing on a keyboard and staring at a computer screen. You, as the writer, pen ideas and emotions down to be given to someone - it is, essentially, a very tangible part of you that you give to the receiver. Whatever the receiver does (whether reciprocate or shove it (literally or figuratively) under the carpet), does not change the fact that the letter exists.

It's dangerous to put too much of your heart into a letter, because giving your heart (or a large part of it) to someone means they have the freedom to do anything they want with it (your heart, that is). It gives them the a chance to pulverize your letter and, more importantly, your heart and feed the broken pieces to the dogs.

And that just sucks.

But there is always the possibility that the giving of your heart means that the person you gave it to will give his/hers back in return. So maybe that's why we do such crazy and stupid things. Like give our hearts away (in letters), and open our defences and let ourselves be vulnerable. Because the possiblility that someone would give you their heart, catch you when you fall, and in turn allow themselves to be vulnerable in front of you makes the risk worth it.

I'm trying to convince myself that the above is the reason why I let myself become vulnerable to someone. Because it's either that, or I'm a complete and utter moron. Hah.