2006

What can I say about this year? It's been long and certainly not the easiest one I've been through.

It's been a year of change.

If I were to be completely honest, it was more than I thought I'd be able to cope with. Everything became different and I was pretty overwhelmed by it all. I changed schools, cell groups, made new friends, had a total lack of boy(friend)s, had a big shift in the family..

I changed.

But while this year would be labeled the hardest for me in other people's opinion (and I don't exactly disagree), I don't feel the way I did as compared to 365 days ago.

2005 ended badly. I remember feeling extremely hopeless, cynical, negative, skeptical, angry, tired, jaded, scary and damaged and ultra dark and twisty. I was the poster girl for misery and teenage angst. I still believe my anger (along with all the other baggage) was justified - my dad was dying and I didn't believe in God. I hated everything and everyone, and my opinion of man was that he was selfish, evil, and stupid. So I started 2006 awfully. No goals, no dreams, nothing.

Thankfully, the ending of a matter is more important than it's beginning.

Because I can now say that I am happy, I am content, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be and things are in place. I couldn't pretend to be miserable and whiny and sad about this year even if I wanted to. Sure, there were some really crappy moments and really crappy months. And sure there were days I wanted to curl up and die, but overall... it's been pretty awesome. I've learnt so much more about myself because of what I've had to go through and grown as a result (imo). Strength is not strength till it's tested, isn't it?

I'm thankful for changing. For making changes that required a conscious decision/effort. And those are the changes I'm most proud of. Sure, people change all the time - but more often than not, these changes are the result of circumstance, or the changes are so superficial, they might as well not have been made.

But those that require effort, require discipline, require making yourself STOP being whiny/cynical/angry/pessimistic - those are the ones that really count. Changes to yourself that you are happy with. Being more content, less scary and damaged for example.

If there's one thing I've learnt from 2006, it's that indifference and apathy to choose is a choice in itself - and a very bad one at that.


Anyway. In suit of thanksgiving cell group on Friday, here's a mini list of

People I'm Thankful For in 2006.

Hello my Siew Ling/Woffles/STS/SGS. You are my soulmate. Meeting you was one of the best things that has happened.. EVER. Beyond our similar tastes in music and movies, beyond the superficial, there is a part of me that is now glued/hot ironed/stuck/stitched to you because I swear you are my soulmate. Your ability to see the good in people I want to learn, your powerful lying skills while playing Saboteur I want to learn also. You are one of those few people who make me happy simply because.

Hello Ler. Can I just tell you that your understated brilliance is what really drew me to you when I first met you. Your cool aloof facade scared me initially, but now I've come to realise you are warm and (dare I say) WOFFLY inside - just like a soft marshmallow. A very cute, oddly beautiful marshmallow. Lol. It may seem that I am more protective of SuaGuSiew, but trust me you mean as much to me. I am trying to find a way for us to get superglued together so we'll have to be in the same class in Yr 2.

Hello Li Xian and Xiu Ling. What more can I say? Our relationship has withstood what many have been unable to. You girls are the only two human beings capable of making me converse in Chinese. We're all going through a lot of different things atm, but hello darlings I'm always here. Love you many many plenty plenty. Xiu Ling, the disgustingly gorgeous scrapbook you made for my birthday takes the cake as best birthday present in all my 17 years. I'll keep it till it's old and (hopefully not) mouldy to show my grandkids. And you'll be there to show it to them with me.

Hello Derek. You always seem so far away, and you can make me cry. Few boys can do that to me. But I know that despite your insane schedules and many circle of friends (even though your ultra conservative tongue does not bring yourself to say it), you love me - and us - very much and for that I thank you. For sticking around, for letting me do crappy things, for doing crappy things WITH me, for being the very cute boy we get to bully. The very cute boy that small girls fall for and juniors swoon at the sight of. Lol.

Hello Nigel. We are thousands of miles apart. The only connection between us would seem to be a mere 128 emails (I've kept all of them) and hundreds of MSN conversations. They are so much more than just that though. I've met a boy, despite being freakishly smart and sometimes odd and rather antisocial, who I know will be a life long friend. Because you are someone who will not let go of our friendship - unless I kill your family/burn your house + philosophy text books/threw your laptop out the window. I miss you (as do my fingers) and I can't wait to see you in June.

Hello Bernard. You probably never read my blog. But here's a big fat thank you, boss. For all the lunches. For being you. For showing love. For your patience with me, for always making the effort, going the extra mile no matter how stretched you are. For telling me that I'm not that scary and damaged after all. You remember the details, you don't overlook people. You are my role model. I am so disgustingly proud to be able to call myself your member and more importantly your friend.

Hello Raymond and Sin Ma. You people are friends I rarely meet, but when we do the fellowship and conversation is so amazing it blows my mind. Thank you for the lovely dinners, Jason Mraz and Corrinne May concert tickets, the late night conversations when we talked about everything and anything. You guys make me believe that friendship is not really based on proxy or the quantity of time spent together, but rather the quality of it all.

Hello Amanda. Now you didn't think I'd forget about you right, woman. Your innocence and purity 'in spite of' I admire. I miss you I love you and OMGWTFBBQ hurry come back to Singapore so we can go for a sun tanning session and make pizzas and milo dinosaur at my place.
Hello N321. Thank you for accepting me and loving me just the same. You have no idea how much I look forward to Friday nights. We are such an interesting mix of people who come from all sorts of different lifestyles, and yet we gel together so well. I'm so thankful to have met all of you guys, and learned from you (I actually enjoy being one of the youngest haha). I believe the sky's the limit for us in 2007.

Hello Mommy, you will never ever come across this blog but what the heck. Maybe 10 years down the road I'll let you read this blog (and the many many archives it should have). And when you see this in 2017, I hope you are proud of the person I have become. If you are, please know that it's because of you. Your strength makes me strong and I'm brave because you are.

Hello Jie, we don't talk much so I'll make it quick. Thank you for making me come back to church, for dragging me by the hair back. If it weren't for you, I doubt I'll be where I am now. Thank you for loving me enough to make the right choices for me.

Hello Kor. For late night random conversations, for wonderful brunches and dinners, for in your special unique way making it so clear to me you are actually a family man at heart. We quarrel, fight, disagree and argue more than we should, but I know that you still love me. And I love you. And respect you. Many many plenty plenty.

Hello you. For reading to the end of this extremely long post of mine, for being a part of my life. For that I wish you have an awesome 2007.


Happy New Year (in about 19+ hours) everyone. (:

Christmas has been over for a few days now, but better late than never (I had to spend the past few days recuperating from the crazy Christmas week I had) to blog about the fabulous day/week I've enjoyed with the many cool people in my life.

There were a few dinners where the food was fabulous that I finally managed to eat (many thanks to all the sweeties who were concerned about me) and the company even better. I saw cousins I haven't seen in a long time, and played awesome games like Saboteur and Cranium till the wee hours of the morning. Watched someone twist a metal spoon (totally freaked me out how he managed to do it...) and made a bunch of new friends. Went for services on all the days (Bern kicked much ass. I was SO PROUD of him for making the Christmas production rock) and beloved Ler, Xian and Derek went. Oh happy happy joy joy. Plus, I sat on the rides at the carnival and sustained really ugly bruises because the seat was so huge and I kept banging from side to side. My sides/elbows/arms have turned a lovely purple hue. :/

But anyway.

Amidst the dinners and meeting new aquaintances and old friends, the madness of last minute Christmas shopping in Orchard Rd, swapping presents and gift giving, amidst the madness of going for Christmas service everyday and the crazy rain and even falling sick, there was still time to stop all the madness and just breathe.

To sit at home beside my mom with Il Divo's Christmas album (whom she adores) playing, doing absolutely nothing at our living room couch. Nothing except breathe and take in the moment. Which in all honesty, was one of my favourite moments of Christmas 2006. I must say that Christmas 2006 was amazing. It was there and then that I suddenly felt insanely thankful for everything I have. The friends, the family, the life I live and everything I've gone through. For the oxygen I breathe and a colourful life to live. For Jesus - the reason I live. Because He's what Christmas is for, innit?

Christmas week was definitely one of the most fabulous week's I've had in 2006. This might be rather late, but I hope you all had a really great Christmas. (:

Random Ramblings (and Nigel I bet I'll have misspelled words SO DON'T CORRECT THEM ANYMORE LA! :/)

I haven't eaten anything since Tuesday night. To be more specific - I haven't kept anything in since Tuesday night. Anything = lunch with fab. friend yesterday + dessert from the delish annual Christmas dinner with my family's close friends. (It's a huge gathering of all the 'aunties' and 'uncles' who've known me before I could walk, along with all their kids (ie. my childhood friends) that happens every Christmas. I meet old old friends, and it's awesome.)

I'm not hungry. But I want to eat. There's alot of good food around and I WANT TO EAT AND KEEP IT IN. :///

I've not seen a doctor cos my fave doctor isn't back and I really don't want to go to someone else.

Anyway.

I bought new boots (HAPPY!) and many thanks to the fabulous friend for hanging out with me yesterday. (:

Off to finish writing the last of my Christmas cards. Later 'gators!

Whine

I'm feeling dreadfully sick - not just in the 'ah-choo' way, but the omgwtfbbq I think I'm dying way. Started this morning (ie. 4 a.m.) when I woke up to throw up my dinner/lunch. It was downhill from there. I've not eaten much the whole day (one bowl of soup and porridge water) but somehow I can puke when I've not even eaten.

Haven't seen a doctor yet, cos my favourite doctor isn't working today. All I'm left with is Blurhead, and Doc. Tan whom I can't stand. (The memory of 1995 is etched in my brain - I will never forget how he injected my eye and squeased it (I had this cist thing :/) DAMN HARD and yet he accomplished nothing. Nothing except making me loathe him till this day for all the pain he caused. I had to go to an eye specialist after that, and whaddya know. The eye specialist actually knew how to inject anaesthesia.) Plus, I hate going to new doctors cos frankly, they just creep me out.

Anyway.

I'm feeling queasy, sick, and horribly uncomfortable. ://// This stupid bug better be gone by tomorrow, BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO DO (finish writing christmas cards, wrap presents etc). Errgghhhh.

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Updates!

The best (and latest) birthday present was received last Friday - given by two of my favourite people - and I really really loved it. They'd come over to my place after my MM Prin paper (which was so easy I felt cheated. :/) for a nua/boggle session.

It = totally indie Post Secret book they ordered from the US for me. Mai siao siao ok! =D

But that wasn't the best part. The best, most heartwarming, part of my book was that my super duper cool girls had written all sorts of their secrets on bits of wrapping paper which they slipped in between the pages.

So there we were. Siew Ling's head was on Ler's lap on the couch, Mickey was comfortably plonked on the rug beside me, where I was busy wrapping a huge present. The rain was falling outside, and Diana Krall was crooning Christmas carols to us in the house.

It was one of the best afternoons I've ever spent with them.

Many thanks, my lovely ladies for the awesome present. I know I've said it alot already, but I just had to say it again. I love love love it. (:


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Have much more to blog about, but I really need to rush off now. Au Revoir dahlings.

I am Sarah Ling Si'En

I am 17.

I am confident, and I know myself.

I am tall for a Singaporean girl, and definitely not fat. I like how I look. It's insanely hard for me to get out of the house without any makeup on though. But I'm comfortable enough with myself to say that.

I initially read Russian literature (Pushkin, Tolstoy, Nabokov) simply because it sounded cool to have read it. I ended up enjoying the humongously freakish novels and long names. I love Neil Gaiman.

I can handle pain better than most, and I'm not afraid of pain. Not anymore. I don't like it. But I'm not afraid of it.

I am happy.

I am proud to be Asian, proud to be Chinese. Not so proud of being Singaporean yet, but hey I'm getting there.

I think Mandarin is a beautiful language.
I suck at this beautiful language.

I love indie music. And I want to marry Jason Mraz (who has released new album I can't get but would LOVE TO RECEIVE AS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT *hinthinthint*).

I'm the girl who is more interested in your world view and your belief system than in what moisturiser you use, or what bag you carry.

I believe that trying - even when coupled with the worst failure - is better than playing it safe. I love the rush of taking a leap of faith, of jumping blindfolded into the unknown. It may be terrifying, but I know I am safe, because I have people who will catch me.

I could be the best thing that ever happened to you, or your worst nightmare.

I think, therefore I am.

I adore Christmas and everything it entails. The decorations (that my beautiful house is chock full off and it's fabulous if I do say so myself), the music (THANK YOU Diana Krall and Dave Koz), Toffee Nut Lattes from Starbucks, the spirit of giving and all the warmth and joyfulness it brings. I love buying presents for friends. I love it more than receiving gifts.

I know what I want, and I go for it. I believe in persuing excellence. There are nights, however, where I wake up deathly afraid that mediocrity is all I shall ever achieve.

I heart New York.

I am scary and damaged no more. I am still Dark and Twisty, though. I am cynical by nature, and more closed than people think. I can wear masks very well.
I choose not to.


I have a flu, and my nose is running even as I type. I have a Media Management Principles (which is worst than Marketing last sem.) term test tomorrow, and I really have to study for it. Now.

Bye.

I really don't like it. I don't like feeling that I'm somehow of less importance to you as compared to both of them. I don't like the way you always have to be smsing/talking to one of them all the time, and getting your full attention is actually considered a rarity. It's like you have to put in so much effort in not touching that stupid phone and carrying some insanely witty conversation with either one of them, or both of them, while you're hanging out with me, or us.

I'm not being possesive or any of that shit, you should know I am not that type of person.

But I really don't like it. You always say that I'm more, or equally important to you but babe, your words and your actions don't correlate. If the only time you're really there - not just 70% of you - for me is when I desperately need someone, then that is pretty warped, isn't it? I am always there, or at least I make the effort to be. Not just when you are sad or not yourself, but when you are happy and acting silly and excited over whatever it is that gets you going. But you're always so busy. With god knows what.

When I say I miss you, even when you are just beside me, I actually mean it because you are never fully there. It's like you will always mean more to me than I do to you. It really really bugs me. That I am not interesting/funny/whatever enough to hold your full attention for an extended period of time. That you JUST CAN'T STOP TYPING ON THAT HANDPHONE OF YOURS, as if it really pains you to JUST STOP.


I had to get it out. So there. Maybe you don't agree with what I say, maybe I'm being sensitive. But ya, that's how I feel.

"What are you thankful for?"

There we were, the three girlfriends, along Arab Street after a mildly amusing dinner (which involved a nerdy english speaking ah beng look a like - think bleached long hair on a scrawny looking fella who wore specs :/) smoking shisha. We had finished playing a few rounds of Boggle - they both tried and failed to defeat me HEH! - and were comfortably seated around our table.

(Can I just say that my girlfriends are THE ONLY PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET who dressed to the nines will want to play Boggle in the middle of no where and feel extremely enthusiastic about it. People must have thought we were wonks, looking at us three girls huddled over a table fiercely concentrating on the Boggle set. Lol. I swear, we are SUCH NERDS. Roflmao. But I digress.)

The answers started rolling out - from the superficial "I'm thankful for aircon"/"I'm thankful for Boggle" ones, to the seemingly bimbotic "I'm thankful I'm not fat nor ugly" (which when you think about it - isn't all that bimbotic after all. But let's leave this for another post), to the ones that mattered.

"I'm thankful for innocence." The innocence of youth, the privilege to be naive.

"I'm thankful for innocence lost, and purity that is without naivety."

"I'm thankful I know myself."

"I'm thankful for pain."
Because with pain and testing comes the ability to withstand it. The strength and endurance to face it without falling. It means I can feel. It also shows me who are the people who are there when I fall flat from the pain.

"I'm thankful for convictions and faith - so unshakable that when everything around me seems fuzzy and I'm at the end of myself there is something I can hold on to."

It was an interesting conversation where we managed to reflect on all we are blessed with. And as I sat there, I felt happy and content and oddly comfortable. Ok it's hard to put into words, but at that moment when I was sitting there chatting with them, it felt like I was at the place I was supposed to be at, doing what I was supposed to be doing, moving into a future I know is right for me. Everything was exactly in place and damn, that felt real good! Where everything in life is in place, and exactly where it should be.

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It's finally December, and God how I love this month. There's Christmas carols playing everywhere and Toffee Nut Lattes at Starbucks and the Christmas decorations are all set up. It's beautiful and man I just love Christmas! Everything is warm and happy and cheery and omg I'm starting to sound like WOFFLES. But well, I'm floating on this cloud of really good music (read: Diana Krall's Christmas album) and sipping the Toffee Nut Latte my sister bought for 'supper' as I type.

Life is good. (:

My brother is currently strolling the streets of London. Maybe he's at Big Ben, or walking along Oxford Street, maybe he's in Harrod's. Maybe he'll see snow, if the weather permits and it's cold enough. I like snow. I hate the cold, but I love the snow. It's like a blanket that covers everything in the middle of the night. The dirty sidewalks or old cars, everything. You awake to the sight of white. It's really beautiful, imo.

Duckie,

I wish I could see the snow too.

Pet Peaves of a Waitress.

- I'm a waitress, and my name is not "Oi". If you must call me something other than SARAH, call me "Hi, excuse me".

- Telling me I look like Rui En and expecting me to be flattered, or give you my number because I'm so dizzy with excitement that WOW I look like RUI EN? Sorry honey, not going to happen. Just because I smile at you doesn't mean I'm interested. It means I'm a good waitress.

- Applauding my beer pouring skills will only make me think you're a complete whack job, especially if you're not a regular customer of mine.

- Asking me stupid questions like where I buy my clothes when its a full house and I really don't have time to chat with you is really not appreciated.

- Bands who say they are playing their 'last song' for more than SIX SONGS. Ergh.

- Customers who sit around, refusing to leave even though its wayyy past midnight.

I swear I'm so tired my legs are about to drop off. Errrgghh ://