Thoughts Swirling In My Brain, Down the Drain.

My brain's been switched off and for some reason, I can't seem to churn out prose like I used too. There is so much to say, but everything comes out wrong or funny and it just seems weird.

I wish I was more like my girlfriends, who write amazing prose. Amazing mind blowing, omgwtfbbq-they-can't-be-just-17, works of literary genius that never cease to make me thankful I have such smart friends.

The holidays are over, and school's back in. Hooray hooray. Lazy fat cat/rabbit days are over, but then again.. I didn't really have those days to begin with. If life could be a long bus ride with the girlfriends sitting beside me (and really good music playing in our ears), I'd be perfectly content. The moron in me has to pack my days so that I'm so busy I hardly have time to breathe. I need a remote. To pause the days so that I can just STOP.

I wish my words could do more, and that your words didn't mean as much as they did. But that's how life goes and that's how we deal. My words can't do much, but I really hope they help. I'm here for you, hon.

No one will ever be good enough. Haha

Stop calling me Sarah. I was so evasive and nonchalant/ok with it before, but then I realized I'm never evasive or nonchalant when it comes to such things. It's not how I'm wired. It means something to me when you don't. I don't know why, but it does. So please try, ok?

The one game we never fail to lose is the What If game. We replay the past in our brains, and end up hurting ourselves. Sometimes the smartest thing to do is be normal, stop over thinking, drop the neuroticism, and walk away. Let it go. Sounds simple, doesn't it? It's the hardest thing to do EVER, imo. I'm trying, you're trying. We're all trying for our different reasons to let go of pasts we can't seem to forget.

And guess what. As dark and twisty as I may be, I truly believe we'll get there eventually. Together. You'll find your vindication, I'll learn to let go of all my S&D, and she'll walk away stronger than before.

We'll get there.

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I'm sorry, everyone. But you guy will just have to deal with this cryptic shit for now.

For a certain friend, who requested my words be put up onto the world wide web for her literary pleasure,

I IS THE TIRED WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON AND I PROMISE A REAL SOLID GOOD PROPER POST AFTER WE KICK ASS DURING FRIDAY'S DEBATE.

PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE. Or as Siew puts it, *PORMISE PORMISE*

And hello Nigel you is our life saver, yo.

(:

JUST SO YOU KNOW THAT SARAH LING ISN'T DEAD. (aka Nonsense Filler Post)

- I've been busy with church and work work work. Met a couple of interesting people, and I'm really glad to say I GET TO PLAY THE MUSIC I LIKE AT WORK NOW. Hello indie, goodbye mainstream. IT'S TIME FOR CONVERSION MAN.

- Good vs. God. God vs. Good. I think I'm getting too deep into this.

- I SUCK AT FOLDING CLOTHES, THANK GOD FOR LI XIAN.

- DEBATE IS THIS FRIDAY.

- I'm going to cut my hair this friday too.

- I NEED SLEEP NOW OK. BYEBYE

The line's been crossed, and now things won't be the same.

I love you, I really do. But I just can't look at you the same way anymore.

I ask rhetorical questions.

-God

Who do you love?

Me, or the thought of me?

I'm in Cambodia now. We have internet around here, as well as a slightly faulty air-conditioner. We're living at the Girl's Brigade headquarters. The Goldfish has all our names mixed up (I'm Sarah Siew, Keith is Tyrone, Raihan is Ryan/Nurraihan, and Siew is Seetling), and to be frank, I don't really like him all that much. I've seen a million cows, and more kids than cows. For every kid, there are probably 12452 bugs.

As we travel the streets of Phnom Penh in our trusty tuktuk (which we have happily christened the SIFE Drive) I see so many people who are living below the average and acceptable living standards. The streets are dirty, the housing conditions leave much to be desired, and many many children (I cannot emphasize how many) are wandering around the streets, left to their own devices. They don't have proper clothes or shoes (some even go barefoot), they have very little.

Just to digress. You can see all types of children - even though they are heavily disguised to all look the same. Even though all of them have little and are wandering the streets barefoot, there are those who are opportunistic, those who are content, those who are blissfully ignorant, and those who don't seem to care anymore.

The worst part is not seeing them live in such physical conditions. The most truly terrifying and sad part is that these people don't know that there's a better life. Or they don't seem to actively pursue it. Its scary how people can be content with status quo - and one that is so below the average standards of living, I might I add. My heart goes out to them. Really and truly, I feel so much compassion. It's not sympathy (or at least I don't want it to be) but the kind Jesus talks about - compassion for the sick/poor/needy. It sucks that there is nothing I can do to really make a difference. Suddenly, what Mr Toh has said about us slowly changing the world seems like empty talk as I feel so helpless.

I still have my idealism. I choose to believe that the world can be a better place. Cambodia can become a better country for its citizens and the standard of living here will improve. What's more, I believe I can play a part in making that happen.

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The above was written on the 2nd day of our Cambodia trip, in the safe comforts of the Girl's Brigade head quarters. I had thought I'd seen all there was to see in Cambodia, and that I had understood the city of Phnom Penh. Pffft, it just proves what an idiot I was. So after a couple of days to reflect and a few hours of browsing through our photos (we are such photowhores. Around 300 photos were taken; all of which I'm lazy to post, so you can see them here, courtesy of Seet Ling), here's my take on our trip to Cambodia, land of the hottest sun and sweetest kids.

The trip was fabulous to say the least. And this is not the "I have to say it's fabulous cos the people who went are reading my blog and they will be slightly insulted I didn't say so" type of fabulous. It really was. What with all the fun we had talking in the middle of the night (Siew Ling gave a mosquito monologue, and we learned how to be minahs and that the Pope changed his tailor thanks to Raihan), the sights we saw that took my breath away, the children that made my heart melt, and all the drama (read: raised voices, stiff tension and even a couple of tears) that satisfied my dark and twisty side, how could it not be?

In Baray, I learned that contentment doesn't necessarily come with material possession. Visiting Baray was like stepping into a Discovery Travel and Living documentary. Words are inapt to describe the poverty and simple contentment I saw in the villagers. The vast lands that we passed by and the little hut houses that were built on sticks fascinated me. It was land so vast that I couldn't see the end of it. There's no running water and proper electricity, and yet they seemed more happy than I've ever been.

In our rooms in the GB headquarters (oft on our backs on a mattress/bed), I was reminded that friendships can only be strengthened in the face of adversity, and that meekness is strength in control. Also, new bonds can be formed, thanks to late night conversations about nipples and MWB - mats with benefits.

In the Tuol Sleng museum, I realized that humans are all the same - regardless of race and culture. We all need love, we all need our dignity and freedom. We all feel pain, we can all feel compassion. It took a scrapped up book filled with well wishes from people all over the world for me to see that even though we seem different, we are very much the same.

In tuktuks and the back of hot stuffy vans, I renewed my (already ignited) passion for music. Thank God for iPods and Princess Consuela Bananahammocks. And also John Mayer AND Jason Mraz. Equally.

There were many things that I saw that were very "Only.In.Cambodia.". A driver that drove on the wrong side of the road (it was as if we were playing Burnout Revenge or Need for Speed), random children(and even adults o.o) urinating very openly in public, over 35 spiders in one coffeeshop alone, books sold at 4 USD, booze for below 20USD, and elephant poo right in front of me. I saw cows randomly crossing the road, and pervy men eyeing us with great interest.

Oh wait - the last point happens everywhere. Cambodia just happens to have more of them.

I learned alot from the people. Like I said in my 2nd day post, I have so much compassion for them, because for all their goodness they deserve a better life. And I still believe we can make a difference in their world.

Overall? I'm back in Singapore filled with a heart of gratitude, and dare I say, less cynicism. I am grateful that I can have a proper education. I am grateful for water heaters and electricity. I am grateful for friends who love you even when sometimes you don't deserve it. I am grateful that my biggest problem is a relationship one, and not about having insufficient food/water/shelter.

So. If you asked me if I'd go back to Cambodia - to Phnom Pehn and Baray and Widow's Island - for another 'backpacking' trip? I'd say yes in a flash. Because despite the heat and the bugs, I did learn alot more than what a classroom could teach me (no offense, my lovely friends who just came back from U-DUB).

I'd just bring more sunblock, and bug repellant the next time.

In every relationship, there's someone who loves more. Cares more.

It worries me dreadfully, but I think for once, I'm that person. :/

If it ever had to come down to it... this is what I'd say.

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, him or me, and I'm sure he is really great. But I love you, in a really, really I like your taste in everything, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me. "