We were walking back home from the car park opposite my block (our own car park is known for being notoriously full all the time. Getting a lot past midnight is akin to striking 4D), my arm linked in hers as we quietly strolled back home. We had spent the night at a friend's place, eating moon cake and having a wonderful time.

"My wedding anniversary with your Daddy just passed, you know?"

I stop and think. Thursday...

"Yes of course I know."

"Do you remember our anniversary date?"

"20 September. How can I forget? Daddy used to remind us to buy you a card and keep ourselves busy on that day cos he'd always have something special planned for you... Like the year he shooed us all out of the house because he had prepared an awesome dinner for you at home. And every year he'd 'surprise' you with lilies. Your favourite."

She stops walking and looks at me, appreciating the fact that her youngest daughter remembers the details.

"It would have been 28 years," she says softly.


If love was audible, I think that would have been it.

------

I haven't talked about my Dad for quite a while now. Not about his brilliance and wit. His charm and grace. His amazing food. His character and strength. His complete and unconditional love for me. The way he moved, the way he laugh was so infectious. How he was a fabulous father, the best there could have been.

I've said all there is to be said about him on this blog and I don't see why I should repeat what's probably been repeated (even though I just did, ha). It still hurts, though. This dull throbbing pain that hits me in the stomach, oft when I least expect it. The sudden realization that he is not on a long business trip, but gone for good. For this life time, anyway. It's no longer raw and sharp like it used to be. It's no longer and open wound, but a very painful and uncomfortable scab I doubt will ever go away.

I think I know why I've been all dark and twisty recently.

November's coming.

I have a sudden mad urge to travel to Hong Kong or Paris - any of the busy cities in the world - and roam the city. Take in the hustle and bustle in the air, taste the different foods, hear the different tongues being spoken, stroll down the busy crowded streets, brush into strangers I will probably never meet again, and be a tourist.

I'd sit at the corner of a cafe, or a small bench in the middle of a busy road and people watch. Lovers, mothers and their children, white-collar workers... And hopefully, I'd meet another individual like me. Someone from a foreign land, doing the exact same thing I am.

Man, I can't wait to go to New York.

These are the famed sexy satin Louboutins mentioned in my earlier post that will make me sell a few souls and break a few hearts. Oh, they are so gorgeous....

*sighs in lust.

Random boyfriend gem.

Yesterday was spent nuaing on the boyfriend's bed, after I had a 2 hour nap. All his efforts to get me out of bed failed. BnJs? Nope. TV? Nah. Playing with Newton? Later la.

What eventually got me out of bed was this completely FUGRY (the highest level or fugliness) shirt that was hanging in his cupboard. It was so bad I jumped out of bed to take a closer look at the monstrosity that was living in his cupboard.

"Honey... That's HIDEOUS" I shriek.

*cue helpless laughter from Mcboyfriend. "You make it sound like you saw a rat.."

"Yeaa... well.. ITS WORSE. I'd prefer to see Remy in your cupboard..."

*cue more helpless laughter

-----

In my defense, that Raoul shirt really did look godawful. Note to self: steal it from his cupboard one day and BURN IT. BURN IT.

It's ironic how the one place people put up facades most easily is also the place they drop their defenses and become brutally honest.


"I want to trust you again. I also want Louboutins, and a Birkin bag. Just... Give it time."

"Ok. I love you, Sarah Ling".


So. She ripped the band aid off and I finally let the wound heal. We talked about it, and as painful as it was, I do think the extra air made me feel slightly better.

I don't know why I left the conversation lighter. I mean, nothing in the situation changed. We both made it clear we have very different stand points, and neither of us was going to change our beliefs. However, while a change in the sucky situation did not surface, I'd like to believe what did come about from the conversation was compromise and love. The acknowledgment of each other's feelings. I got the apology I needed, and she got uncompromised truth.

See the thing about the friends worth having is that while sometimes we might have the worst fights and we might suffer the worst wounds, they do not crumble and fall to dust. The relationship is solid. It carries weight. Heavy with the effort put in, the love that's been given, the walls that have been discarded and truth that sometimes hurts.

Because really, what is a friendship without truth and love? Screw what I said in my earlier post. Complete honesty is necessary in making a relationship work, no matter how uncomfortable the truth might be. And if the relationship is worth it, that honesty will bring out a certain kind of love. Love in spite of . In spite of situations and circumstance, in spite of words said and hearts that are slightly broken. In our own frailty, we learn to love in spite of weakness and flaws.

And really? That's the best kind.

RANDOM SIEWLING/SARAH GEM #5483789819391

It was late, we were bored, and I WON MY FIRST RANDOM COMPETITION. HEH. :D

------

2:39:25 AM Siewling: ka fadadasda doosh doosh!

2:39:40 AM .si en.: deshie weshie boo boo ka

2:40:00 AM Siewling: ka flop floop baba meh meh

2:40:20 AM .si en.: bahdangdang blipblopFOOOWSH

2:40:49 AM Siewling: bim bam baba mama moop sie sie boosh!

2:41:17 AM .si en.: weeee feeeelleeeee bong wah wah boom bing

2:41:45 AM Siewling: i give ups :(

2:41:55 AM .si en.: HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA

2:41:56 AM .si en.: OMG

2:41:59 AM .si en.: I WON I WON

2:42:19 AM Siewling: go away

2:42:19 AM .si en.: rofl so gonna post this on my blog.


------

roflmaotzedong, ka boom boom.

Of Relationships (or lack thereof)

I know, I know. It's been donkey years since any of my posts have had any semblance to proper prose. So here I am, comfortably slouched into my favourite spot on the living room couch attempting an honest account of my life, as it is now.

I happen to subscribe to the belief that your relationships define you and shape your world. The career you have, the degree you carry or even the accolades you've collected throughout your life are nice to look at, and useful to have in life I'll admit. But the stuff that shapes a person and makes you who you are? I'd like to think most of it is due to the people around you. After all, iron sharpens iron.

We are not (supposed to be) our jobs or our education. If everything is stripped away, the one thing we are truly dependent on is the relationships we hold dear. So I've been doing some thinking during these holidays (free time lets you do that, see). I sit and think of the various relationships that actually mean something to me. I could list all of your names down, but I won't. I expect you guys to know how extremely dear you are to me. So I've been evaluating our relationship. Of how far we've come, and how we progress from here.

----

I think of the obstacles we've faced, and how I'm really really trying to get past your betrayal and sweep it under the carpet. Because if there's one thing I've learnt this year, its that some things are better left untouched. Unsaid. Confronting it makes it so much messier, and I just can't handle that right now. I don't know why, but I begin to censor myself, to build walls that shouldn't be there. Frankly, I don't like it. It's not me. I know I'm the sharp shooter, the one who puts her foot in her mouth because of my complete lack of tact. But now I'm learning. How to shut up and shove it nicely under the carpet. Not because you don't mean enough for me to be honest, but you mean too much and I fear our relationship won't be able to sustain any more damage.

I feel my shame and regret, for not being there when you needed me. When your heart got broken by that boy, and I seemed like I was a million miles away. And I'm so dreadfully sorry, and I wished the words could carry more weight, and that you'd believe me when I say I love you, even though sometimes my actions don't correlate with what I say.

I think of what you said, and the paranoia and fear you've given me because of it. In all honesty, I think it revealed exactly how scary and damaged I still am, and I don't like it.

I think of how you coming back seems to be the biggest disaster of 2007. We are halfway through the year, and it's been a hell lot better than 2006 but still. Thinking about you makes it less.. better. I look back, and wonder how we got from there to here. And though I've tried to avoid the topic here, I'm saying it now. I miss my old friend.

And then I think of you. I think of you, and how you bring a smile to my face. You make me all falala and happy and full of hope that things will never be as bad as it seems.

----


*OK ADVERTISEMENT TIME*

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".... I love you...."

"... Thank you....'


-----

*SMACKS HEAD AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR, ROLLING AROUND.

My writing has swirled down the drain, along with a few other things. It's as if I stopped being able to express myself on paper. I can sit and stare at the blogger post bow for half an hour and.. nothing. But despite my horrendous problem, I thought I better get something out, a proper update of my life so that when I look back a couple years from now it won't be a mash of grey. It's cryptic, but that's all I can handle for now.


The holidays are now in full swing, and there have been many days spent lazing at home watching Brothers and Sisters/Friends/Friday Night Lights and the occasional movie. I'm about 4 shades darker, thanks to an over enthusiastic sun tanning session with Mcboyfriend at Sentosa.

My November is here. Crap.

Relationships have been the BIATCH! I didn't know 4 months could change everything.

I'm oddly numb, and horribly SnD. What's wrong with me, what what what? Hmmmmm.

OK i give up. This is going no where, and my word constipation sucks. Bye.

SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS BETTER DO THIS FOR ME. WALAO.
Ler/Sany/Siew, you guys are plain irritating. But i love you. Sian.


1. (the person who tagged you is) - Le Raine Eleanor Hendrik and Hasanah Sany and Seet Siew Leng

2. (your relationship with him/her is) - Three gems of a friend.

3. (5 impressions you have of him/her) - Walao. Just because I'm lazy, I'll do 1 instead of 5. (heh siew took this from you)
Ler is small but intimidating. Sany gives good juju. Siew is sexy cold cuts woffles.

4. (the most memorable thing he/she has done for you) - WHEN ALL OF THEM JUST ASSUMED I WOULDNT DO THIS MEME. I'LL NEVER FORGET

5. (the most memorable words he/she has said to you) - Ler - "you're definitely a pretty cat" Sany -"RACHEL!!!" Siew - "*insert incomprehensible mumbo jumbo words that don't exist here*"

6. (if he/she becomes your lover, you will) - Ler - probably bore her out of her wits cos I don't do wildly passionate relationships. Sany - learn how to give good (dream) lesbian sex. Siew - be quite happy, actually. o.o

7. (if he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be) - Sany needs to stop pinching me and leaving me bruised. Ler needs to start taking my side whenever I argue over important issues with Siew. Like who is more indie. Siew can learn how to communicate properly in engrish.

8. (if he/she becomes your enemy, you will) - Throw Sany's cats out of the window. Mess Ler's food. Tell Mr Yap Siew wants to make love to him. rofl.

9. (if he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be) - Betrayal of trust, for all three.

10. (the most desirable thing you want to do for him/her now is) - Make Ler less of a cynic, Sany less closed, and be in the passenger seat for Siew

11. (your overall impression of him/her is) - Ler is aloof but oddly woffly sometimes. Sany seems nuts at first glance, but she has so much depth and I love it. Siew is whatever I said in the previous post.

12. (how you think people around you will feel about you) - Depends. We have different schemas (woah woah SOCIO PSYCH SIALLL). They'll feel... slightly intimidated initially? :?

13. (the characteristic you love about yourself is) - How I have the seemingly endless capacity to take shit/problems well.

14. (the characteristic you hate about yourself is) - How unforgiving, judgmental, SnD I can be sometimes.

15. (the most ideal person you want to be is) - JASON MRAZ'S GIRLFRIEND. PLEASE.

16. (for people that care and like you, say something to them) - PORH PORH PORH. I GIVE ALL MY MCLOVE.

17. (pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you)

1. Le Raine
2. Sany
3. Siew
4. JONATHAN ONG, GET A BLOG JUST FOR THIS. =D
5. Xiu Ling
6. Li Xian
7. Derek Wang
8. Bella
9. Amanda
10. Raymond (who reads my blog but never tags, walao)

(who is no.6 having a relationship with?) - Some guy from NTU. I call him Zuo Ye. o.o

(Is no.9 a male or female?) - Female

(If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?) - NO

(What is no.2 studying?) - Communications and Media Management

(When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?) - This morning

(What kind of music does no.8 like?) - Cool alternative music

(Does no.1 have any siblings?) - Yes, one.

(Will you woo no.3?) - Tried and succeeded. =D

(How about no.7?) - Tries and succeeded again. =D

(Is no.4 single?) - HAHA. I DOUBT IT.

(What’s the surname of no.5?) - Lim

(What’s the hobby of no.4?) - AIYA. DIED. Buying his girlfriend presents. Alot alot of presents. From Tokyo. *ahem ahem*

(Do no.5 and 9 get along well?) - Er. No.

(Where is no.2 studying at?) - Temasek Polytecknic

(Say something casual about no.1) - Go learn how to bio legs.

(Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?) - No. But I'm sure it's easy to :D

(Where does no.9 live?) - Australia, bitch.

(What colour does no.4 like?) - BRIGHT GAY GREEN.

(Are no.5 and 1 best friends?) - Nopeeeee.

(Does no.7 like no.2?) - Yes. I think. SANY GO ASK DEREK.

(How did you get to know no.2?) - She was in a cow suit during TP open house this year, filled with good juju. I'd heard of her famously good hugs.

(Does no.1 have any pets?) - An obese hamster.

(Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?) - Yes. *cue "You sexy thing (sexy thing)"*


OK THERE YOU ALL GO. I'll try to post something substantial soon. Heh.

EH WA LAO STOP ASKING ME TO DO MEMES, AND THINKING I WONT DO THEM.

ASK FOR WHAT SIA LIKE THAT.